“News Papyrus” By Ali O

posted by on 26th October 2009, at 6:49pm | No Comments

Well as you can see from the lack of papers from Ali M that his last newspaper was not well liked, and being the smart business man that he is, he stopped knowing it was just a waste of money (yet he still lives in Al Kharid where he’s lucky to get one customer a day).

His son Ali O, however, thought that his father did not try hard enough, so he asked his father for some money to fund the first edition of his own newspaper. Ali M refused to give him anything more than a piece of charcoal and papyrus saying that Ali O “was not old enough to have business brains” (Ali O is 30).

So without further adieu, I present to you…

“News Papyrus” By Ali O
‘Wise’ Old Man caught in the act!

Early this morning the ‘Wise’ Old man was caught in the act of robbing Draynor bank. A year ago it was assumed that he had robbed the bank when one of the bank’s clients and all of it’s employees mysteriously disappeared. Upon closer examination there was found to be a light layer of ash all over the floor of the bank and many party hats were missing. There were no witnesses then because no one was in the bank after the ‘Wise’ Old man and no one could prove that they were in the bank when he was. Neither could anyone prove that he had left his house.

Now there is an eye witness that is willing to testify that the ‘Wise’ Old man was not in his house when the robbery took place. Authorities are not revealing the name of this witness and the ‘Wise’ Old Man has not been captured. When found in Catherby by level 138 dragon hunter UdiN0w he escaped after incinerating UdiN0w. UdiN0w did not respawn afterwards and a search has been started for him.

Seers’ bank is robbed by Ket-Zek

Three hours ago the Seers’ Village bank was robbed by a Ket-Zek. The entire bank was incinerated by the beast’s heat and fire spells instantly. None of the five clients nor the employees new what hit them. If it wasn’t for a passerby named WhodaWhata nobody would know what happened.

“Yaw I sawed the giant cat a-walkin in de bank and though’d ‘That ain’t right, is it?’ but I didn’ go i’nit cuz I knew’d th giant cat would’a eat’n me so’s I went straight to de made of Camelhot, Mlerlin. When Mlerlin and me went out to see the cat it was gone and de bank was a pile o’ ashes.”

17 Party Hats, 3 DragonFire shields, 16 Godswords, and 4 sets of full Dragon armor were counted missing.

New laws make Citizens protest

Following new legislation in Varrock, smelting anywhere but at the Edgeville furnace is punishable by death.

This has made several avid smithers angry and they have begun to protest this change by throwing their raw ores at the Edgeville furnace house.

Following new legislation in Varrock, smithing anywhere in but behind the East bank near Aubury’s rune shop is prohibited.

To protest this change Aubury is teleporting everyone who enters that house to the KBD’s lair. When asked why he was doing this he replied with, “I used to get some peace and quiet around here but now all I ever here is “CLANGG CLINKKK! CLINNKKK CLANNNGGGG!!!’ and I’ve had enough of it.” he finished the sentence by teleporting our reporter Algrc2teleng to the KBD’s lair. Thankfully there was so many people there that our reporter was not eaten. He did however have an allergic reaction to teleporting.

Following new legislation in Falador, digging in the park has been banned.

This law even prohibits the gardeners from digging holes to plant new flowers. The gardeners were ruthlessly jailed when they tried to do their job. They were unable to protest this change, though Mole hunters have begun to hunt the people who made this law instead of the mole.

Following new legislation in Falador, the Party Room is being renovated to accommodate ‘Larger audiences’.

When asked what kind of ‘Larger audience’ Party Pete expected he replied with “A totally groovy one, man.”

Following new leadership in Ardougne, the Wise Old Man declares all banks must surrender their valuables.
Following new leadership in Ardougne, anyone who protests these changes will be incinerated with water. The ‘Wise’ Old man hath spoken.

‘Wise’ Old Man gets corned and escapes

Just recently the ‘Wise’ Old Man was cornered by the clan Death Rainers. All fifty of them cornered him in Yanile bank when he tried to rob it. With 5 melee fighters with Godswords, 5 with dragon claws at his neck, 10 rangers with dragon arrows and darkbows, 10 rangers with crystalbows, and 20 Mages all with ancient magics and godspells ready, the ‘Wise’ Old Man appeared to be cornered.

“I saw a twinkle in his eye right before it hit us.” Said survivor 99Hitsdefplx as he was questioned while being carried out of the burning bank on a stretcher.

‘It’ was the Tztok-Jad. Somehow the ‘Wise’ Old man had summoned it and commanded it to destroy the Yanile bank. 99Hitsdefplx was the only survivor, and that was only because of his enduring hitpoints, high natural defense, and fool idea that he might need his Dragonfire shield against the ‘Wise’ Old man. if it wasn’t for his shield he would’ve been a crisp like his friends. It is speculated that he was thrown against the inside wall of the bank and landed face down with the shield face up on his back. This protected him from the TzTok-Jad’s fire breath.

Citizens are warned to stay away from the ‘Wise’ Old Man if seen and not to look at him, though the governments of Varrock and Falador would like citizens to tell them and then keep an eye on him until a member from Falador or Varrock arrives.

“News Paper” By Ali M

posted by on 28th July 2008, at 5:00pm | 1 Comment
Ali M has decided he wants to start a news paper, so he asked me to publish his first issue here to see if anyone would read it. Unfortunately he could not come up with any good names, so he just calls it ‘News Paper’. Here’s the ‘News Paper’, by Ali M and company. _________________________________________________ […]