Disclaimer: If you can’t tell by the blatantly obvious title, this article is just a satirical spoof on my annoyance at the behavior of the majority of the F2P population. If you somehow feel you are tragically offended by this article, feel free to leave me a private message on the forums. You should get back an attempt at a heartwarming apology.

Welcome to the world of Runescape! For whatever reason, maybe your parents are strict, maybe you don’t have a job, maybe you’re a guy on the streets, or maybe you’re just too lazy, you did not get a membership. That means you are going to engulf yourself in the world of free-to-play, also called Noob Central. In order to not let yourself get sucked into the quagmire of being stupid, annoying, and immature (which, coincidentally, is the definition of a noob), you must be careful to twist and turn around every obstacle of noobs you may encounter. If you are successfully able to do so, you will find yourself well on your way to becoming one of the rare “cool” F2P-ers. This guide is aimed to help you with the daunting and brutal task mentioned above.

Starting Out

When you first login to your newly made account (that I hope finished Tutorial Island), besides finding yourself peeing your pants in excitement, you will see that you are in what looks like the front courtyard of a castle. This is the town of Lumbridge, also called Noob City. If you look around, you should see a large number of yellow (or maybe a few orange)-combat-level people, meaning they are all new to the game as you are. They will, like you, be trying to find their spot in the Runescape social ladder as they progress through the game. However, since you want to be at the top with the “cool” kids, do not linger with them. In fact, do not linger long around Lumbridge in general, as you will find your IQ steadily decreasing at 10 points per minute if you do. Instead, make your way out of the courtyard and head on north.

You will eventually hit the city of Varrock as you keep going north. This is the busiest city in the small F2P world. You will also find a larger number of higher-combat-level characters around this city and a smaller number of lower-combat-level characters (presumably because the Lumbridgers aren’t intelligent enough to use the map and find their way around). In this city you will want to sell some of your items (I recommend the runes you got from the tutorial) to get some money so that you can buy some more “cool” looking gear. There are various shops for armor/swords in Varrock, as well as a helm shop in Barbarian Village yonder west. Get what you can with your small amount of gold.

Now that you have been playing Runescape for a good 15 minutes, you should have noticed some of the ways people behave. Look in your public chat box. The chat there will most likely consist of things such as “free stuff!” or “can u giv me 3k for this item” or “nooooooob” or other things with bad spelling and grammar. It would be a smart idea to turn your public chat off, as you do not want your intelligence degrading by reading conversations of “lesser beings.” If you want to be cool, you should only interest yourself in the conversations of “cool” people who can speak properly. Here is a small list of things to remember when you speak in Runescape:

1. Spell words correctly and use proper grammar/punctuation/capitalization.
2. See #1.
3. See #2.

If you follow the above list of “cool” speaking etiquette, you will find yourself well on the way to being considered one of the cool kids in F2P Runescape.

Anyway, now you have somewhat decent gear. However, keep in mind it’s still considered “noob” gear. Because of your horribly low combat level, people are prone to automatically think you’re an immature 10-year-old. Therefore, in order to raise your combat level and get better gear, start training your skills! Train your combat skills first in order to get your incriminating combat level higher, and then train the others to get money for better equipment. Also finish quests, as the rewards they give will help you get your skills up. It will take you a few weeks (or a few days of monitor-staring) to get to level 40. Once you’ve done that, you may continue reading.

Halfway There – Level 40

Congratulations at reaching this stage in your “cool” career! Hopefully you remembered to keep getting better gear as your level progressed. If so, you should now be donning some adamant armor. However, green is not great, so keep sweating that pointer finger. At this point in time, if you’ve also been keeping up with your quests, you should take the Dragon Slayer quest challenge. Once you finish that quest, you will be able to wear the great rune plate/Dragonhide body. This is a vital step in getting “cool” equipment, so make sure you get the quest done asap!

Remember, it’s not just equipment that makes you cool, it’s also the way you act. Here’s a quick quiz to test how far your cool demeanor reaches. Just write down the answers on a piece of paper or on your hand or on your chinchilla (good luck with that endeavour).

#1. “You” or “u”?
A: You
B: u
C: …

#2. Someone asks you for free stuff and follows you around relentlessly. You:
A: Teleport away or turn public chat off. Talking back is pointless as they’re not cool.
B: Get them stuck behind a fence and say “Loooool epic phailurz” while running away.
C: …

#3. Please rewrite this sentence in proper form. “nub y r u so suxxorz?!!1”
A: You newbie, why do you suck so much?
B: nub y r u so suxxorz?!!1
C: …

If you picked mostly A, you are successfully becoming cool.
If you picked mostly B, you should consider returning to Lumbridge to be with your kin.
If you picked mostly C, you should get some sleep and stop no life-ing Runescape.

At any rate, keep training your skills! It only gets harder from here. Remember to tackle Dragon Slayer, keep away from people who miss letters and commas, and keep your “cool” up to par!

Hitting Cool – Level 70+

Congratulations, you’ve reached the high points of the social ladder of the F2P world! You should be wearing some snazzy rune armor, possibly even some trimmed/God rune. Your image is stunning and your behavior is mind-blowing. You might even get a little line of followers wherever you go (don’t let that get to your head though – a big ego is not a “cool” aspect). However, once you have reached this part in your Runescape F2P career there is nothing more this guide can tell you. Therefore, you can now do as you please in Runescape while remembering the “cool” customs. Maybe you should also consider playing a new MMORPG, as things will get steadily more boring from this point on (in F2P at least). Either that or start flipping hamburgers at your local McDonald’s to pay for a membership.