Once again, Alex 43 finished writing his amazing article right on time, but as he was handing it to Shane, it somehow caught fire from his candle, which somehow moved from the edge of the table to the middle, and completely destroyed every word of it. Since Alex 43 didn’t have any more time to redo it because he was busy putting Shane in a headlock (I’m joking), the responsibility to make another article entry for everyone to believe in was passed on to me.

Meh. I should’ve just stayed in bed today. Ah well.

Well, seeing as my guides are ever so popular (so popular that everyone knows about them, thereby there being no need for the general public to talk about them), I’m gonna write another. Dex delivers: The Guide to making your own Games!

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MAKING GAMES – VERY VERY VERY QUICK INTRODUCTION
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This is a guide to making practically any type of game. Board games, video games, sports, things to do with your fingers, etc. So whatever you’re more interested in, be it menial or physical challenges, this is how you make them!

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MAKING GAMES – THE PLOT
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Every good game needs a plot, every good sport needs a completely made-up, over-exaggerated and so stupid that there’s no other way it could’ve been done history, and every good activity involving you playing with your fingers involves a very VERY good excuse (Tell them you suffer from autism. Works every time.).

Let’s start with board games. You need a story behind each one that pulls your characters, who were originally poor drunk bums off the street with really bad hairstyles who are wondering why they’re even alive in the first place, and presents them with a chance to compete against each other to become what is called, “THE BEST”. Then you name a section or aspect in the game, over-exaggerate it as much as you possibly can. For example, where there are 3 spaces of desert with one that says “Miss a turn”, call it the “Great Un-resistably Tempting Desert of Total Impending and Uncontrollably Painful DEATHLY DOOM”. However, despite the names, don’t make any spaces that say “You’re dead Game over.”, because everyone would become just too scared to play that game, as they would fear this one particular square. When I say fear, I mean FEAR. When they’re in range, they will beg and plead and hide under the table with a blanket over their head, wishing that the die never had a 5 on it in the first place. The human race is strange.

For sports, they need a history that involves the first nations people playing it with dismembered body parts and anything that would instantly make you think “Ouch, that’s nasty”. Describe that the “amazing breakthrough of the BALL was a giant relief for them”, and that if we were playing it then, we wouldn’t even have the luxury of “shorts”. Nothing too fancy, of course.

For video games, it’s all about mystery. An amazingly cool and physically able character comes out of practically nowhere and beats the living tar out of everything with a health bar around it. What was his past? What is his future? What is his purpose for existing? … heck, what’s his real NAME? Those are the questions you want the player asking, and they’ll want to just keep on playing it and playing it in order to find these things out. Of course, they never will, so they’ll want to wait for the second installment of that game and buy it as soon as it hits the market. Whatever the theme is doesn’t really matter. Just make something absurd and ridiculous with a few explanations to emphasize that lots of thought was put into it and leave it at that.

As for your finger games … it can be whatever you’d like. Your first finger could be George Bush and your second finger could be an evil vampire. RAARRGH RAWR RAAHR RAA *GOBBLE GOBBLE MUNCH SMACK*! … just kidding.

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MAKING GAMES – THE RULES
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No matter what the game is, it’s gotta have rules. Otherwise, it’s called “reading”.

With sports, there are always two teams. Either they’re completely equal in everything except for players, or one side has a completely unfair advantage that the other team has to comprehend with better then the first team when the teams switch this advantage around. The rules usually involve taking each other out somehow, making someone seem like a loser for just a few minutes before the game ends and then they play again until equalized.

Cheaters are often yelled at and called names and lose all their friends, and must get around in life as a loner who will sooner or later snap and turn into a shotgun wielding psycho-maniac who kills somebody and is thrown into a 4′ by 4′ room where they must reflect back on the “good ol’ days” and be forever haunted by their murders and cheating actions they used to do when they were kids. So if your friend tries to cheat, stop him for both your sakes.

Board games and video games work in the same manner, except board games are more based on luck rather then skill and video games are based on how good your joystick is.

In board games, it’s mainly a race with only 1 winner who laughs in everyone’s faces just because his die had better timing on his part. Big whoop. The rules are: get to the end before everyone else, don’t be a sore loser who throws the board game out the window in anger just because they must “go back 3 spaces”, and “read the rules on the box”. Anything you want to add to it is entirely your choice.

In video games, it’s always “shoot stuff” and “don’t die”. It’s up to you to work around them.

And finally, in finger-based games, it’s always ALWAYS “never do it in public”.

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MAKING GAMES – THE PLAYERS
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A game is only as good as its players. If nobody is playing it, then it’s boring. If they are people playing it, it’s fun. See how it all fits? Geez, it’s as though I have to tell you guys EVERYTHING.

When you’re making a sport game, it has to be that ANYBODY can play it. That means that even the weakest and scrimpiest losers in the world can play it without completely messing up so long as they know how to do it. A game like “who can flip the most trailers over in less then 5 seconds” is NOT one of those kinds of games. Also, the game should be able to be played by at least 2 people. Anything that requires 300 players minimum won’t be played very often.

Lastly, this has to be a game where people can improve with. “How many arrows can you take to the head without dying” is an example of something you DON’T get better at- … actually, on second thought … no, never mind.

Board games have to be games that anybody can READ and understand. Keep instructions simple, like “Miss a turn” and “Go forward 3 spaces”. Games that include the instructions “Go 4 places to the left minus the bridge next to the hills and 6 spaces up avoiding the desert but not quite reaching the ocean boundaries and miss a turn to everyone whose names start before the letter H and miss two turns to all who are older then 58 while giving away your wallet to anyone without money who’s playing this game while doing a handstand handing it over with your tongue.” … well, they would just stink because nobody would get them and each turn would take 2 hours to perform.

Video games usually are single player. I personally think they should ALL have a cooperative mode, otherwise they’re not worthwhile. Anyways, keep the number of primary buttons used, minus the arrow keys, down to 6 and lower. You can add a pause and score-sheet button to that total, but no more. Otherwise, the game gets too complex and people wold lose confidence in themselves and smash their heads through the keyboards in frustration. As entertaining as that is, it’s not what you want in a video game.

Always assume that for all these games, your player is a psychedelic 6 year old with twitchy fingers and schizophrenia. They should be able to at least pass the first level. If you believe they can, then go all out with the rest of the game, because they gain confidence in their ability to play it and by then, they are used to the game enough that they can play it without problem, and if they can’t beat these additional levels, they have to play the first one a bit more. This way, they’ll like your game more.

And with your finger games … why am I even TALKING about them?

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MAKING GAMES – ENDING EVERYTHING
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Game over. You win/lose. A cool cinema, some credits, a few bragging rights.

That’s all.