:: Disclaimer ::
To allow the reader to fully benefit from this article I feel I need to add this ‘dis’-‘claimer’, which claims that dis article is purely for comical funniness and the views and opinions expressed herein do not specifically reflect those of any character forthwith knowing or unknowingly otherwise might be attached or in anyway connected to the relatedness upon which this document was forged.

Now that that’s over…
15 Reasons Not to do a Quest in Runescape

I have brought together 15 Adventurers from all over Gielinor to guide you through some of the most fiercest quests in Runescape. With their help and guidance we will defeat even such monsters as the KBD, QBD, Corporal Real Beast, No Mad Man, and even, believe it or not, the Dumb Young Man. This will be a truly astounding voyage. Now, I will let my adventuring companions take it from here.

Jakman01: We are not here to do Quests.
SusiePker52: If you came to see us do quests, it stinks being you.
MrRight73: We think doing quests is a bad idea.
Mississie14: A terrible idea.
OwntNoobs95: A rotten, stinking, slime covered, Aberrant Spectre smelling…
51stKill007: ..You’d-rather-give-all-your-most-valuable-items-to-begging-noobs-would-be-a-better-idea,-idea.
Jadsgirl: We won’t do it. Period.
BazookaBoy09: So don’t bother asking us.
BazookaGirl1: Don’t plead.
Wh1p0wnter: And whatever other idea might enter your brain, don’t even THINK about begging, or I’ll ownt you with my whip!
Lolosiagirl12: But we are here, together, and you may wonder why since you’ve chosen to listen to us.
LordPkher313: We’re out here with a message.
LadyPkhim314: We’re out here with a warning.
Sirkilalot15: We’re out here to teach you…

15 Reasons Not to do a Quest in Runescape!

Reason Number 1
Jakman01: Quests stink!

Reason Number 2
SusiePker52: Because when you were fresh out of Tutorial Island you met this scary guy in a black robe who’s name was MizGog.

Mizgog: Hey you!
Player: Me?
Yea, you! You seen any imps?
Imps?
Yea, the little red things that stole my beads!
Beads?
Yes, my magic Beads! Have you seen them?
Seen your beads?
No, the imps!
Have I seen the imps?
Yes, have you seen the little red things?
No, Little red things, the imps?
No, one of my beads is a little red thing and the imps have stolen it!
Wait, what?
You wouldn’t mind being a good little chap and hunting those little red things and bringing back my beads, would you?
Hunting your beads and bringing back your beads? Whu?
Yes, good chap, remarkably intelligent, Bring my beads back from the imps and I’ll reward you handsomely.

MrRight73: After spending nigh on 2 hours trying to understand the man you finally figured out that he wanted beads, and some little red imps stole them.
OwntNoobs95: So you spent the next 7 days hunting down the darn things.
Jadsgirl: It took you a week because everytime you almost had one killed it would teleport away.
Sirkilalot15: !@#$%!!! I hate those blasted little-
Lolosiagirl2: *claps hand over Sirkilalot15’s mouth*
LordPkher313: Finally, a nice man who was chopping yew trees in the same spot as you had been hunting imps for the past week spoke to you.

Nice man: Hey you.
Player: Me?
Yea, you. You need beads?
Uhh, well yea. Some old-
Imps, I know. I’ve got some beads in my bank I’ll got get for you.
Umm, k. I’ll just stay here and kill imps, like I’ve been doing…
Alright, brb!

BazookaGirl1: And the Nice Man teleported away.
BazookaBoy99: Five hours later, during which you had only managed to kill one imp and it had burnt meat in it which you tried to eat because you were injured.
Sirkilalot15: But instead you only got terribly more injured because you didn’t see the Highwayman appear and start stabbing you.
Jadsgirl: Thankfully the Nice Man appeared just in time to save you from that Highwayman by blasting it into oblivion.
MrRight73: BOOM!
SevenQueen76: And it was dead.
51stKill007: And after saving your sorry hide he gave you 4 beads.
Jakman01: A White one.
Susiepker52: A Black one.
Wh1p0wnter: A Yellow one.
Lolosiagirl2: And what to your wondering eyes did you see, but a little red one too! And eight tiny rein-
SirKilalot15: Wrong story, yo.

Nice Man: There ya go lad.
Player: Gee thanks!

SusiePker52: And you ran back to that strange old wizard Mizgagged and gave him the beads.

Player: I found them! I’ve got them all!
MizGog: Found what? Got who?
Your beads!
My beads? So its you who took my beads!
No, no, the imps took them and I kil…got them from the im-I got them.
Well I don’t need a half killed imp, I need beads.
But I have beads!
Well why didn’t you say so?!
I did!
Well-wait, who’s beads are these? I sure hope you didn’t kill anyone I know to get them.
They’re your beads!
Ahh, good. Wait, did you kill me to get them?

LadyPkhim314: Again it took you 2 hours to tell the wizard that you had found beads, his beads, and that he can have them.
LordPkher313: He took the beads and put them on a wooden block and then waved his hand over them.
Sirkilalot5: Like he was some kind of Jedi!
SusiePker52: After doing his little incantation he gave you an amulet. After receiving it you ran away very, very, quickly before he could even begin to speak to avoid having to waste another 2 hours translating your thoughts into his language and spending another week doing another pointless errand of his.

Reason Number 3
Mississie14: Quests take devotion and commitment and your full and totally complete attention. You just can’t afford to expend any of those on a quest when there’s….S U O M I!
Mississie14: All devotion and commitment and total attention MUST be given to him, and him alone. S U O M I is like, totally your everything. I mean, the only reason you even play is to worship his every footstep. Your sole and only intention whenever you gain anything of value is to lay it down at his feet, as your meager offering for allowing you to worship his awesomeness.
Mississie14: Every thought, every intention, should always, without a doubt, be centered not on your worthless self, but on S U O M I. Without him, you are nothing.

SusiePker52: OMG, it’s S U O M I!
MrRight73: S U O M I Can we be friends?
Jadsgirl: Oh great and powerful S U O M I!
Bazookagirl1: He’s like a standing pillar of excellence!
LadyPkhim314: The epitome of awesome!
Sirkilalot15: Like a shiny Armadyl godsword striking through the dim veils of the wilderness with but a flick of his golden fingers!

Mississie14: Do you know what some incompetent people do at the end of a quest? They use the rewards for themselves!

Player: Cool! a 100k experience lamp! That will make my attack lev-

Mississie14: *Grabs lamp from Player* That is a sin. Against the rules, a total, complete, and utter crime. All experience lamps and anything else which can be used to increase the awesomeness of any being must, without a second thought, be lain at the feet of, S U O M I. *Lays lamp at S U O M I’s feet*

Mississie14: How could anyone even think of personal gain while He is here, capable of receiving our gifts of adoration and appreciation for everything he does for us as our role model. And if you should ever draw his divine attention and he should speak to you saying…

S U O M I: Get lost freak, I don’t speak to noobs.

Mississie14: What could you do but lay down where he stood when he said those piercing words and continue to worship his amazing awesomness as his words pierce your heart and slowly drain your soul to feed his precious ego.

Reason Number 4
MrRight73: The quest might require you to find someone to do it with. And you might have to trade with them. But since you don’t know this person they might try to scam you. You don’t trust the strength of yourself and you fear that they might possibly, potentially be able to talk you into letting them borrow your Abyssal whip. You think of what would happen to your self confidence if they stole your Abyssal whip. You would never be able to kill anything. You couldn’t even finish the darn quest that forced you to trade with the thief, the vigilante, that stole your beloved Abyssal whip. You would be stranded. Stranded in a dark world of woe and desperation and sorrow until you unavoidably get kidnapped by a crazy old man who places you in a maze of malcontent with moving walls! You would spend an eternity trying to get out until you finally realize it’s a world constructed by your own failures.

*dramatic music*

MrRight73: And so you are trapped. Just because you did that silly quest that made you trade with that innocent looking player that seduced you into blindly giving them your beloved and most treasured possession, your Abyssal whip. So it’s definitely not worth risking your sanity over some stupid quest.

Reason Number 5
SevenQueen76: Because a quest has the potential to distract you from the important things in life. Like, your cell phone! I mean, this thing is practically attached to your hand. In fact, you’ve been giving serious thought to having it surgically attached so you won’t lose it anymore. And with how the doctors say they can make it not be affected by water anymore and that it will have better signal this way you are like, SERIOUSLY considering it. This way you wouldn’t miss the latest ads, or those annoying calls from your next door neighbor’s friend’s fifth cousin removed on your father’s side. Hey, it could happen. Even though you hate those annoying calls and the late night texts telling you to, ‘Get off that freaking life sucking game’, you still need to monitor your cell phone. There could be that one time when your friend calls with the latest gossip that you just HAVE to know RIGHT NOW. Or that call you’ve been waiting on for the past five years from Oxford University.

*cell phone rings*

SevenQueen76: Hey! What? No, I don’t sell Runescape money. No, I don’t want to buy your Full Armadyl for $5. No, I don’t want to buy your Zaryte bow for $5 either. *Hangs up*

SevenQueen76: Hey, it could happen! Tomorrow!

———–

Tune in next time for Act II, where my companions will hopefully tell you the good things about quests…