Alex’s Analysis – So many foods, what do we starve for?

posted by on 20th July 2009, at 6:00pm


My mind was at a standstill. So much was talked about in my areas of expertise that I wondered if I had anything left. I asked my boss, and he told me to just go take a walk. So, I did. I walked over to the gnome stronghold where Dex was doing somewhat uncanny things to the gnome population there without their realizing it.

“Here you go. These free fire orbs will never extinguish, giving you as much light as you want the entire night.” he was telling them.

I just smiled. I knew that all those fire orbs he made were unstable, and at a later date, he would detonate all of them at once remotely and see just how many species he can annihilate with it. A word of caution – don’t keep the ones you pickpocket off them. Put them to good use, like leave them at the highest price on the Grand Exchange. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

I snapped a papaya off the tree I helped grow and walked over to him, munching it.

“You know, they’ll sooner or later figure out why you’re giving them free fire orbs.” I mused.

“Hey, I just offer my services. I’m not one for fine print. They get the orbs ‘as is’.”

He then frowned at me.

“I swear, every time I see you, you’re eating something different.” he muttered.

“Can’t really help it.” I said, over-exaggerating my enjoyment of the taste, “There’s just so many types of foods out there!”

He agreed. So did I. in fact, I more than agreed. How many different kinds of foods WERE out there in Gielinor today? Before I knew it, I hit the idea onto Dex. Of course, his personality prevented absolute excitement unless it was something he did himself, but the anticipation was still there.

It was time to go on a food-munching spree! To dictate, record, and eat every last kind of food Runescape has to offer.

Gnome Stronghold

Go figure, once we had the idea, we were already standing in the cuisine-capital of the world. The free papaya I just ate counts as the first, but it was to become added to the wide range of fruits we were about to sample. There were hardly any fruit trees around the Grand one, so I wondered where exactly all the foods they had came from.

We started at the swamp, where king worms and frogs were aplenty. Dex wasn’t as eager as I to sample them, so I dug in. Literally. Food you eat with a spade. Can’t go wrong with these gnomes.

After watching Dex’s fur change color to my bemusement, we headed up to Gianne’s Cuisine, where we looked at the menu. Of course, we spared no time in choosing. “One of everything, please.” I told the waiter. Of course, Dex had no trouble hogging up everything that didn’t have worm and toad in it. His loss. After all, I’m not about to tell him the gnome dough is made with 70% worm gut.

After that large meal, we decided to go to both grocers for desert. Equa leaves, onions, potatoes, cabbage … they had it all. I decided it was best we just get a big sack to put all this in and eat it on the go. He agreed, and then sent it all through a portal that led straight to our kitchen larder, muttering something about unnecessary weight. I’m glad I met him before I started building stuff.

We decided to skip out on Blurberry’s and Heckel’s stock. We were looking for foods, not drinks. Drinks can come a later date, since we already were full to bursting from all the food we’ve already eaten.

When our legs decided to not be immobile anymore, we climbed back down the tree, leapt the fence, and headed north to Piscatoris.


Papaya (0)
King Worm (0)
Toad Legs (0)
Vegetable Batta (195)
Worm Batta (195)
Toad Batta (195)
Fruit Batta (195)
Cheese Tomato Batta (195)
Worm Hole (270)
Tangled Toads Legs (450)
Vege-Ball (270)
Chocolate Bomb (450)
Worm Crunchies (80)
Toad Crunchies (80)
Spicy Crunchies (70)
Chocolate Chip Crunchies (70)
Equa Leaves (2)
Onion (12)
Potato (16)
Cabbage (1)
Tomato (14)
Cheese (8)
Lime (2)
Orange (70) [Last time I let Dex choose a favorite for take-out …]
Lemon (2)
Pineapple (2)
Dwellberries (4)
Chocolate Bar (20)
Cream (19)


2887 GP

North to Piscatoris.

While walking through the hunting grounds, Dex had a little “accident” with the local wildlife. … well, actually, it was more like the local wildlife had an accident with Dex. I’ll leave out the details. Anyways, we found ourselves munching on roast kebbit, rabbit, and bird meat on the way through. And we didn’t even have to light a fire! … again, I’ll leave out the details. There are some things the world is better off not knowing.

Upon arrival, I told Dex of the local specialty: monkfish. Only when they’re cooked perfectly do they taste splendid enough to be considered a viable source of food. Upon attempting it, he confirmed the perfect example of what happens when they’re “not” cooked perfectly. At least we had the colony to ourselves for the time being so I could show him how to do it properly.

Once I finished untangling the net, Dex had already caught a barrel-full of fish using nothing but his will. I shot him a face, but when it’s nothing but a visor, I dare-say it wouldn’t have given Dex the intended impression I was going for. Never mind. The next thing I knew, I was pan-frying monkfish alongside tuna and swordfish, and Dex even raided some bread from the now-deserted general shop to go with it. We left a tip, of course. We’re not “that” heartless.

We left the colony in a bit of a hurry. No doubt a couple of nosepegs later, the colonists will want their revenge on us.


Kebbit Meat (0)
Bird Meat (0)
Rabbit Meat (0)
Monkfish (0)
Tuna (0)
Swordfish (0)
Bread (24)


2911 GP

Heading South.

The elven lands of Tirannwyn was lovely in view, but the poor elves really didn’t have anything for foodstuffs that one couldn’t get elsewhere. Well, not for better quality, anyways. I suppose a well-balanced life is all they could ask for, really. Nevertheless, we had at what the chef in Lletya had in stock. No idea where the elves get wine from. I haven’t seen a grape vine around there for miles. Maybe from their main city, but Dex is the only one who’s actually been in there. He’s yet to tell me how.

From there, we rummaged through the Underground Pass (Dex complimented the atmosphere) and emerged in Ardougne, where we bought a baker and spice-maker fresh out of stock. Seriously, I can’t understand why Dex enjoys chocolate so much. He chocolatized and scarfed that cake down as though it was going to go hard and dry any second. It was rather fun to watch.

From there, we headed down south all the way to Oo’glog. Chargurr, one of Dex’s favorite ogres, unloaded a huge load of meat on us, including rat, beef, bear, and chicken. Dex likes his meat as much as he likes his chocolate. I asked him if he was enjoying this trip. He muttered “sorta”. That’s “totally” in Dexian-speak.

It was then I grabbed my spear and showed Dex how to hunt chompies and jublies. ogre bows and arrows work fine, but lightning bolts not only work better, but they leave them automatically de-feathered and pre-cooked! A few added spices, and now I’m going to have to hunt them a couple times every week just to keep Dex satisfied with our efforts to sustain him. I swear, one of us needs to hit him on the head hard enough to make him lose his memory.

On the way back, Dex tackled an ogre chieftain and found a sprig of Belladonna. He says it’s a delicacy back where he comes from, and proceeded to scarf it down as I watched in disbelief. Watching him walk off like that without the Nightshade taking any effect on him gave me new respect for the creature …


Cake (50)
Chocolate Cake (70)
Lobster (268)
Rat meat (39)
Bear meat (8)
Beef (59)
Chicken (60)
Chompy (0)
Jubblie (0)
Nightshade (0)


3465 GP

Under the Sea

On the way back north, I told Dex stories of the ocean life below.

Fortunately for Dex, good ol’ Murphy had a spare diving suit for him that came from a previous owner. Watching Dex’s response to Murphy’s story of why he “returned” it was priceless. May he rest in peace. Same with the previous owner of the gear.

After tinkering with the schematics and saying “I promise!” to Dex half a dozen times, we jumped right in. He generated a majiya-based field around him, then asked me what exactly the diving suit was for. I told him it’s to maintain skin complexion while underwater. Since I am made of metal, it was then that I remembered why I hated diving. I sank right to the sea floor and struggled through the murky waters and seaweed colonies while he had the time of his life above me in the clear waters.

We ran into a mogre colony and Dex, well, once again exercised the fact that to him, the laws of physics were really just guidelines. We raided their crab stores and Dex cooked them, spiced them, and ate them while his helmet was still on. He hated the taste. I simply told him that it was because he cooked them.

However, I jumped around, zapping sardine and cod, gathering kelp, and racking up crab meat to put together a few classic Fishcakes. Good stuff. Gathering the materials is somewhat annoying, but it’s well worth it in the end. We surfaced (Dex and his “souvenirs” …) and I cooked the cakes to perfection. The perfect amount of spice. The perfect amount of heat. The perfect amount of texture. The perfect color, the perfect tang, the perfect EVERYTHING! They were absolutely PERFECT!

I gave one to Dex. “Huh, it’s not bad.” I don’t know what dented more; the cooking board, or my forehead.


Crab Meat (0)
Fish Cake (0)


3465 GP

To the Northlands.

Our next stop was Rellekka and the Fremennik lands. I told Dex that, like him, they were big fans of meat and wild game, and everything they have to offer will find a place in his list of desires. Dex now suspects I’m only bringing him on this journey so that I can now cook whatever I want for him from now on. I guess the only way to get a picky eater to try certain foods is to literally turn it into an adventure for him.

We passed through Seers on the way, having at the stew they served there at the Forester. Again, spices were added and a curry was born. In secret. Dex will have at me after this is over for that. The things I do for a laugh …

We crossed through the forests and over the river, admiring the scenery in our own respective ways. I took in the beauty that nature had to offer with its exquisite colors and marvelous harmony, experiencing fresh-air smells and plant-life fragrances. Dex … well, he uprooted trees and pretended they were big invisible sword-fighters. Each to his own …

The smell of fresh salt-water fish drew me into Relekka. Dex, not so much. He complained that he was sick of fish now thanks to the incident at Piscatoris, so I directed him off to the rabbit and bear infused fields to the east while I entered and had at the local fish market. It would’ve been good to buy one of every fish they had, but unfortunately, some ninny in large round glasses bought them all for something he liked to call “science”, so I instead had to harpoon the majority of them. Nice thing about using a spear is that it doubles for an effective universal food-gathering method. Before I knew it, I had speared one of every type of salt water life the ocean had to offer.

None of these flavors were foreign to me, but this was the first time I had ever eaten them one right after the other. It was a somewhat unique experience. Unfortunately, I ate more then what anybody should eat in salt that day, and the next thing I knew, I was eating it all a second time. Again, my apologies to the fishmonger and his stall.

Turns out Dex found his way to Jatizso in my absence and had at the local wildlife there. He told me that yak meat was now officially his third-favorite. I told him it’s Neitiznot that had the yak in it. He said “oops”. I stopped the conversation there and we left the north without another word.


Stew (20)
Curry (0 [Cost of spice])
Shrimp (0)
Anchovies (0)
Sardine (0)
Herring (0)
Tuna (0)
Lobster (0)
Swordfish (0)
Shark (0)
Yak (0)


3485 GP

Tune in next month as we not only finish our list, but put together a full price value for every food item in Runescape!

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