Alex’s Analysis – Runescape Absurdities

posted by on 29th March 2009, at 7:38pm


As the title suggests, I’m planning on making a series of these. Also, as the title suggests, this is an article on just how crazy, insane, and sometimes dimwitted Runescape players can be. Of course, despite the argument I an attempting to pose within this discussion, I assure you all that I really don’t think “everybody” is like this. I’m just highlighting that these people, in fact, exist, and I strictly advise anybody out there who’s reading this to not and never follow their examples (unless you’re composing a parody on the subject, in which case, go wild!).

First off, how does a player become or seem absurd? Usually it’s by over-excitement. You get to make your statement to thousands of people while in the comfort and safety of your own home, and in any status you desire, including having consumed 2 litres of sugar straight from the bag (I know this from experience: don’t do it). Sometimes it’s simply that they can, and they just want to get it out of their system in the form of an experiment to see just what the reactions would be. Sometimes, it is even done out of anger that they cannot release in real-life due to foreseen consequences. I’m personally annoyed that they must resort to making the online community a worse-off place all because they don’t have the willpower and bravery to express their true feelings towards the source itself, in which they should be. In most cases, anyways.

Honestly, if you’re not out there trying to make other people happy, you need to reconsider your life. Big time.

Absurd … ridiculous, ludicrous, senseless, illogical … check in a thesaurus, and you’ll find at least 20 words that mean the same thing. Why would there need to be so many terms to describe one simple aspect? Because it’s used a lot, that’s why. That’s because it’s referenced a lot. That’s because it’s observed a lot. The conclusion: there’s lots of it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not “completely” against the idea. In fact, I like to express my own unique form of it every so often (usually when I reference a bicycle pump). Reason being: it’s fun! Fun for me, and, I’m hoping, fun for everybody else. That’s another reason why other people do it: for fun! Like I said, if you’re not making other people happy somehow, you should be.

But, to all things, there’s a limit. Moderation. You can’t overdo it, otherwise it gets annoying, aggravating, and in some cases, even insulting. And this is what this article is pushing at: the overdoing of absurdity in some of the most altogether absurd ways as possible. An attack against those who just can’t get it in their head that the Internet can be used for intelligent discussions as well. Case and point.

… if you didn’t get that last part, either you need psychiatrical help or I do.

Anyways, my argument is this: there are lots of incredibly, over-the-top-and-down-the-other-side absurd people out there, in the form of Runescape players or simply anybody with at least one mobile finger and a keyboard that recognizes at least half the ASCII spectrum. They’re annoying in the fact that they’re distracting, annoying, and unbeneficial to everybody else who are trying to express a more intelligent point.

Of course, I can’t argue without giving some examples, so to describe my point as well as provide you all with some cheap humor, here are some of the most absurd Runescape Suggestions I have ever heard in my life. I know that Albert Einstein once said that “If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it”, and this is highlighted in the High-Level Suggestions sticky on the top of each suggestions page, but again, there is a fine line between interestingly absurd to downright ridiculous. Mind you, there aren’t too many of these out there anymore, but that also goes to prove that nobody would want to get rid of a good thing if it was good.


I’m sure anybody who browses the Runescape forums at least once a week comes across one of these weirdos. They want guns in Runescape. Maybe just a pistol, maybe some primative variation, or maybe a full-blown rocket launcher. But it all comes down to the aspect of a small combustable explosion propelling a miniature projectile several hundred m/s at an unsuspecting target.

Why have guns in Runescape? Because it would be “cool”. Forget a 50 million coin Godsword, let’s just take a shotgun and one-hit Graardor each and every time so we wouldn’t have to spend money on food! Let’s solve the goblin overpopulation with an M-16! Let’s mano-e-mano the King Black with a grenade launcher! Wouldn’t that be fun?

… guys. Please. You want guns, go play Halo or Call of Duty. Otherwise, grab a crossbow and make absurd “pew-pew” noises every time to fire a round. There is absolutely NO benefit to having them. Nobody uses regular bows anymore thanks to the (forgive me if this is an overstatement) “nurfing” of crossbows.

What’ll happen if guns are thrown into the scene? They’ll either be “too weak” or “too powerful”, you’ll have a riot of Runescape fanatics saying that Runescape’s middle age, for crying out loud, and nobody would take the game itself seriously anymore if there are bows and guns simultaneously doing the same kind of damage.

Don’t even suggest the idea anymore, you guys. The Jagex Team literally doesn’t want you to. Don’t believe me? Read that “Read Before You Post” post in the suggestions forum that hardly anybody ever reads. Trust me, it’s worth your time.


While I do appreciate the idea of a unified cultural background in which everybody can relate to, I have to draw the line somewhere. While, again, I’ll agree that the concept of having ninjas in a medieval, magic-casting land of demons, dragons, and adventurers would be kind of cool, my question is, directly, exactly “how” ninjas would fit in the game?

Let’s assume ninjas to be those stealthy, nearly invisible, kill-everybody-who-crosses-their-path type guys that can directly one-hit somebody with a slitting to the throat via poisonous sword and and a quick-and-hasty retreat. There are two methods to having them: playable, and non-playable.

As playable characters (or a skill in itself), you have the ability to pretty much sneak up on would-be challenges and one-hit them. Again, Godsword prices would plummet … or rise if it becomes a popular ninja weapon (ninja with a Godsword … must prospect on that …). Though I do see that a potential aspect in the future, I’m afraid it can’t be done. To balance the game, the aspect of the “ninja’ would need to seriously be downgraded so that it could only be something almost for show rather then an actual permanent method of fighting things (since when should a steel kunai beat an abyssal whip?). And, unfortunately, that would result in an ability too “lame” to truly be called “ninja”. Sure, you get the uniform, hood, and weapons, but there would be a large-scale argument on how they shouldn’t be so weak. And if they were strong … well, again, we’d have that whole worthless-Godsword debate.

That leaves ninjas as NPCs. If they don’t immediately kill you, they’re lame. If they do, then you lose all your stuff without a second’s notice. Wouldn’t that be a fun random event? Check a post on the forums for a few seconds (Ha ha Alex 43 is such a funny guy), turn back- ah! Where’d all my stuff go? I know that already happens with River Trolls (hardly anymore, though), but at least there’s a sound signal. Ninjas are silent and swift; everybody knows that. Instant, unexplainable death: ridiculous.

So, yeah, ninjas in the game would be awesome, but to make things fair for all the other players without messing up the economy, they will unfortunately have to be reduced to a state in which they cannot be called ninjas.

However, the idea is a pretty good one. Say there’s a Runescape skill called “stealth”, in which the higher the level, the higher percentage of damage and accuracy when attacking an unsuspecting enemy, being altogether detected by an enemy, and a skillcape that turns you invisible. … ooh, this is getting interesting.

… but yeah. no ninjas. Get us the hood and guis for show-off, sure, but no ninjas. That’s just ridiculous.


Having to go to the bathroom in real life away from a game is an annoyance as it is. What sort of fun is there to have if we had to also do it IN-GAME? I’ve got absolutely no idea what the person is thinking when he suggests this. Either he’s a bathroom-loving fanatic or things that bathrooms would help the realistic immersion of the game. If that’s the case, the person needs to stop playing immediately, because he’s officially too addicted if Runescape doesn’t seem “real” enough to him.

It’s just like suggesting that school hallways need traffic lanes and lights. Everyone will agree that it’s a need, but in true reality, should they actually get built, they’ll only serve as an annoyance with traffic jams and freedom restrictions. Same idea.

Runescape’s a partially-cartoony, dungeons and dragons style game. It’s not SUPPOSED to be incredibly real! And even if it should be more real, there are plenty of other things that can be done besides bathrooms to do this. Getting rid of the magic ability for example.

… which, I do pray, is NEVER going to happen.


Once, I was skimming through a suggestion forum, and I saw for an NPC idea somebody had actually suggested adding the “Alien VS Predator” characters into the game.

Unfortunately, there’s no creativity into implementing a character that already exists elsewhere. That would just be boring and unoriginal, causing more face-palms then the Wleft brothers’ attempt to increase the gravitational constant from 9.81 to 9.82. This is why games are made without copied characters unless from the same company. That, and copyright infringement. Do you guys want Jagex sued? No thank you.

Also, once you start, you can’t stop. They follow this idea and reference one other character, then there’ll be an explosion of requests for additional references (you added her, so why not “him”?). Indeed, Jagex are throwing in a few silly, harmless references to older works here and there (Fortunado, for instance … no seriously, look him up!), but nothing to the extreme, like a direct, physical representational reference to the Halo Covenant (Grunt Squad VS Chaos Elemental. Won’t that be the day?).


I think I’ve proven my point. Being absurd online can be fun in all in moderation, but it’s not at all hard to go too far and become incredibly annoying. Not to mention give everybody the impression that you are an idiot. All it takes is once. Beware.

Fortunately, nowadays you hardly see these kinds of suggestions. Well done, folks. Again, I’ll be making a bit of a series of these with different “proofs” for each. Alex out.

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