Dex Delivers the Top Ten Worst: Fast Food Customers

posted by on 10th August 2008, at 8:00pm


The world believes I have a problem with it. I have tapped into powers and existences beyond the logical abilities of any mortal creature that has ever existed. A mortal creature with a power that not even Gods should be allowed. I can destroy worlds, travel across time, and even grant myself an impossible immortality all at the very notion of my own will.

But I don’t. Unlike what it believes, I don’t have very much against the world. After all, it spawned me, as it did everything else. I could very well do all these things, but I don’t. Why would I destroy the world without reason? Why would I travel through time when I very well know the consequence? Why would I want to be immortal if I can’t even comprehend with a simple mortality to ask all these silly questions?

Simply put, I don’t want to destroy anything. Too annoying. I’d have police and whatnot after me, and it would just be such a major inconvenience. So, from the safety of my room, I will simply continue to give the immortal advice I usually do to you pathetically useless creatures who can’t figure these things out for yourself.

… hey, I’m not against the world. What I’m against is the population. Shaa!

Can’t go around killing everybody in uniquely satisfying ways, so I might as well just go around identifying them. After all, the majority of them don’t even know they are these sorts of people! I have a heart. Everyone deserves a second chance at it. So here it is.

This is my new delivery.

The Top Ten Worst Kinds of People!


Believe it or not, in the dimension I live in, I once took on the part-time position of a fast food cashier. I won’t lie; there were some parts of the job I did enjoy, but that was because the manager wasn’t watching, and nobody missed those customers.

… what? There were reasons I ejec- … sent them out. Really!

But, despite those kinds of people, there were other customers that, after experiencing them over and over, just annoyed me to no end. Once you read my list, I can guarantee that 95% of you people can actually relate to this. I will give my reasons, and out of pure generosity, I’m gonna tell you a way to fix that problem.

Before I give you these list, just recall that despite who and what I am, this is ALL a state of opinion. I don’t want anyone to take any serious offense to anything I say, because I have absolutely no guilt as to what I say causes anyone to do, so you’d just be messing yourselves over. Don’t. You’ve got more potential then that.

With that all said, and don’t say I never did, here it is. My list, in whatever order from least to worst. Frankly, I don’t really care too much what’s more or less annoying, they all are. Ok, here we go.

1: People who only half-eat their food and leave it / toss it.

WHY: Half the world’s in starvation. Half the food you’ve eaten filled you up. If we took the other half, we could feed the other half of the world, and there wouldn’t be starvation! Doi!

Ok, seriously, you’re wasting food. You teach your kids not to waste food, and look what you do anyways! If you can only eat half of it, only eat one thing then. Eat one thing first, and if you can’t eat the others after, you can save it and bring it home, or even just hand it off to a panhandler! But if you eat and drink half of anything and leave it, we have to throw it out! We can’t reuse it! It’s waste!

HELP: This one’s self-explanatory. Eat one thing first, then the other. This way, the worst case scenario is that you’ll have one half-eaten item and one non-eaten item. Bring it home and save it, or just give it to something. A dog, the seagulls, bum off the streets, whatever. It’s yours, so do something with it!

2: People who take hundreds of napkins / condiments.

WHY: Again, waste. Nobody needs a hundred napkins for a plain burger and fries. The only way you’d need that many is if you has the thing flooded and covered in condiments in several of its lifetimes. Highly unlikely. Even infant children probably need only four or five, but the maximum I’ve ever seen ANYONE need is 3. Just take 3 at once. If you need more, you can get up and grab some more. Same with condiments. Just because they’re free doesn’t mean you can take them all. Several people come to these places, and we don’t have an unlimited number of them.

The second part to this is spills. Yeah, everyone has them, and they’re usually accidental. But what people do, and I’ll commend their courtesy, but if you use a hundred napkins on it, it’s a waste. Most likely we’re going to be cleaning it anyways, so it’s really not going to make a difference if you napkin it if they’re going to clean it anyways. No amount of napkins will completely clean a table.

HELP: First case scenario, I already gave the answer. Only take 3 napkins maximum, and if you need more because of whatever reason, just go get some more.

And if you do make a spill, just quickly let the staff know and someone will be on the way with a reusable, machine-washable washcloth and mop. No napkins wasted. If you want to clean yourself, you can even just request the washcloth and do it yourself. Easy.

3: People who take their orders straight off their cell phone.

WHY: I’m just going to be up-front and say it’s just straight-out annoying. First, and in most cases, they don’t acknowledge you. Then, they don’t acknowledge there’s a line forming. Lastly, they keep on changing orders because of misunderstandings and make lots of long awkward pauses messing you up as well! Man!

HELP: Once you pick up that cell phone, have a seat and properly take all orders. Make sure you have the money for it, double check it, and even write it down if you can. Once you have everything (and when you’re sitting down, you don’t take anyone’s time), then you can order, and it goes smoothly.

4: People who take a full order without making sure they have the money to pay for it.

WHY: When customers don’t do this, there is a chance that they either forgot their money or left it at home. Then, there is a chance they will NOT have any money, and just leave after you made all that food. I’ve even once had a customer realize he forgot the money and asked for the food anyways. He paid for the food and a couple dozen new windows, but that’s another story.

HELP: When you get there, your first priority is that you have enough money to buy stuff. Otherwise, there’s no real point of being there.

5: People who use another fast food joint’s terminology.

WHY: These are the people who ask for stuff that makes me think, “Dude, we’re in ______, not ______.” It may not seem it, but it’s an insult. First, you tell us that you purchase food from our competition, which is discouraging to us because we’re not the hottest place in the world. Second, it’s distrusting that you’d rather learn and remember their terminology than ours, making it appear you go there a lot more often then us. Third, we label all the things of our menu, names and all, and if you use terminology that isn’t even in our restaurant … well, it makes ‘me’ in particular think you can’t read.

HELP: Again, before you get in line, take the time to know how we advertise our products and forget you’re not in some other place. Respect our own unique creations and variety, would you?

6: People who do not see us workers directly as real people.

WHY: These are the people that walk up to us, say “Gimme a burger”, wait for the price, pay it, and leave without another word (or their burgers, but that part just makes me laugh). We’re not robots, you know. Like you, we all have lives and feelings. Would it hurt to interact a little more flexibly with us a bit?

HELP: Don’t just start off with a “Gimme this”. Say hi, ask how our day’s going, tell us how exhausted you are after doing whatever. It’s this sort of thing that makes people ‘regulars’, and in some cases, one might even get their own personal advantages among our particular franchise (a small discount, perhaps?). It’s rewarding, it helps your charisma, and it makes us feel more accepted. A win-win situation! Just don’t go into a speech when there’s a big line-up forming, OK?

7: People who speak too softly and don’t get the hint they are.

WHY: If whoever you’re talking to has to say “what?” three times in one meeting, you’re speaking either too fast or too softly. We’re not going to say “please shout”, or shout ourselves, or anything like that, because we feel it’s rude. We would like you, as a person, to know that there are loud machines behind us, and a crowd all around chatting up a storm, and so despite your nature, you don’t want to speak softly. Nobody’s going to care what you’re having. It’s no secret.

HELP: Speak loudly. Almost shout your order. Go ahead and be aggressively loud if you must, but nicely, slowly, clearly, and loudly, and we’ll hear and understand you, and get to your order as soon as possible. Heck, if you want, you can shout to give us a bit of a jolt and wake us up. You’d be doing us a favor!

8: People who approach the counter with a line-up behind them without knowing what they want to order.

WHY: You unnecessarily take up everyone else’s time. They know what to order, and you don’t. Sounds rather unfair, doesn’t it?

HELP: If you don’t know what you want, simply don’t get in line. Stand in the back or out of the way and decide without taking anyone else’s time. This way, when you do make up your mind and then get in line, you’ll not only know what you want, but that’s the best time to change your mind. Once you make eye contact with the cashier, you have to order something, and you’ll have something to say.

9: People who order for at least 6 and carry it home themselves.

WHY: Hey, it’s not you that annoys me. It’s the fact that out of six people, you’re the only one willing to put in time to feed the rest. I respect you for that. However, I’m sure that ONE of those guys could use a little fresh air and exist with you long enough to help you in such an awkward situation.

HELP: Simply enough, if you possibly can, try to bring someone with you. Doesn’t even have to be someone you’re buying food for. Invite a neighbor, or a family friend, or even a relative. Spend some time with them on the trip, keep them company, and you both will eat faster because the trip will just seem that much faster.

10: People who try to come in and get food when they know the place has been closed for at least 15 minutes.

WHY: I apologize, but we all have lives, and really want to go home and have time to ourselves as soon as possible. Unfortunately, we can’t leave when there are customers inside. When we’re closed, it’s usually a final statement of opinions. We want home, and we went home now. If we’ve been closed for 15 minutes, we don’t want any more customers. We’re done for the day. I know you guys probably worked a hard day, but we did too.

HELP: There are lots of 24 hour places out there nowadays. If we’re closed, go somewhere else. That simple.

There. My top ten. Happy.

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