(We would like to apologize in advance for what you are about to read. If anything sounds wrong or conflicts with your own personal beliefs, the main rule of thumb is to NEVER TAKE DEX SERIOUSLY. He enjoys doing this for the amusement that there will be someone who will follow his advice, and there’s nothing he likes more then making humans more inferior then they potentially are. If, however, you actually DO want to follow his advice and ideals, then remember to mention that it was him you got it from so he’ll know what his influence is doing to the world. In fact, he’s getting Gia to make a signature for his followers to display to show they do things “the Dex way”. Should you be interested in such a monstrous creation, contact Alex 43 via PM. Thank you, and once again, we apologize for the inconvenience.)

SWC Management

Ah, yes. Once again, you have turned to me to learn of the secrets of life, the universe, and all that exists in the realm of reality in hopes that before you transfer over to the Realm of the Cosmos for spiritual resurrection or the Realm of the Unknown to simply cease to exist that you will be able to learn something that will somehow benefit the time you currently have to spend in this realm.

Amusing. Very amusing. But hey, everybody likes a good laugh here and there. Who am I to disappoint?

So here’s my next guide: A Guide to Procrastination.

… ok, so there are many guides to quelling procrastination already out there, and you should just stop reading because I’m probably copying their style, eh?

Well, whoever said this was a guide “against” procrastination?

That’s right! This guide will tell you all the fundamentals to the art itself, and how to do it at top capacity and ability! You will learn how to procrastinate like a professional, and put off everything you don’t “feel” like doing with ease. In fact, I’ll bet you’ll never even get to finishing this article by the time I’m done teaching!

Ok, enough of that. I don’t want you to start yet.

First off, I just want to lay out a few definitions and acronyms so your inferior brains won’t explode and get brain bits all over your nice, shiny computer screen.
Epwylm (Ep-whilm) – Expressive Person who Wants Your Life Miserable. Usually the stereotypical parent.
Aaaaauugh – Amazingly Annoying Activities And Artificially Unwilling Uncalled-for Gratuitous Hobbies (Hence the resulting sound effect). Anything that was invented as a task to punish small spoiled children in days of old and corrupted our minds enough to last unto this day.
– Sittup – Seemingly Important, Though Truly Unimportant Pass-time. Something you like doing that has a certain air of importance. You can also say that you’re doing “Sittups” to buy yourself some time to think about your next move. Ok, that’s enough. It’s not as though I don’t actually WANT your brains exploding …

Procrastination is an art. If you’re going to do it, you have to do it perfectly. There is a fine line between perfect and “sad attempt”, and crossing it is quite challenging for those who think they already have. Believe me, you’ll know when you truly have done it. When your effortless outlook on life convinces others that you are doing the world good though your persevering actions. When there is great anticipation towards your supposedly guaranteed future activity. You want it to be appreciated. You want everyone to believe that your inactivity is beneficial to the fate and future of the universe!

This is how you do it. The “do’s” to proper procrastination.
– Timing is important. Whenever you’re asked to do something you don’t want to do, secretly write a log with the depicted times to which you are asked to do it. Then decipher a pattern so you will know the general time frame that you are asked to do it, and time your actions accordingly, occupying yourself in an incredibly important way only in minor time fragments while you benefit the rest of your free time with whatever you want to do. In order words, time yourself to do sittups properly.
– Do something fun, yet seemingly worthwhile. Draw pictures, type stories, that sort of thing. That way, when your Epwylm asks you to do something, you can boldly and confidently say that you are already preoccupied with activities that could benefit and shape your future, and that any minor distraction could leave you scarred from the inspiration you took so long to get in order to even begin the task. Usually works, as you use guilt as a factor to reinforce your argument.
– If you can, try to be on the phone or talking to someone on a headset, and it will make them pause and lose confidence in their ability getting at you.
– Fight fire with fire. Should someone approach you with an aaaaauugh, give them an aaaaauugh as well, keeping them occupied enough to not notice that you’re not.
– Be reasonable. Don’t just say “I don’t wanna”. Say “I don’t wanna, because …”
– Take a half hour each day to do something comparatively difficult that hasn’t been done in a while, and use that excuse to take the rest of the day off, or at least to reinforce it.

– Don’t, whatever you do, be directly denial. You’ll be punished with more work.
– Don’t keep repeating the same “I’ll do it later”. The habit becomes easily relied on and thereby, easily detectable and thereby, easily swayed.
– Don’t make eye contact with the Epwylm, but don’t seen un-moved either. Tilt your head in their general direction to acknowledge they exist.
– Don’t assume it’s over just because they walk away. Wait 30 seconds or until they leave the building, and then continue with your full focus or however much you want to risk in doing it.
– Don’t ignore Epwylm. It makes them more impatient, and thereby more enforcing of their task.
– Lastly, never say anything like “You’re better off doing it then me”. That only promotes laziness and gives the Epwylm the idea you need to do more work. Use reverse psychology only when you are willing to risk it or are in a pinch.

-The trick to good procrastination techniques does not only lie in the excuses and will to do so, but also the psychical aspect of the delivery of said excuses and will. Think of your body performance as a magnifier. If you have the perfect excuse, it’s only so good if you just say it while in an improper pose (lying uncomfortably and trying to break your back, for example), whereas with proper timing and proper posture, the perfect excuse can be made to seem hundreds or times more perfect then it always is. A human’s primary sense is the sense of sight, and it dominates over everything else in the priority department, so make your procrastination presentable and convincing to the sense of sight as well as the sense of hearing. See? Two senses together. Multiplied effectiveness!

-Let me give you a few tips on proper procrastination posture. Mind you, the perfect pose differs from different people, so you may have to experiment with some trial and error.
– First off, learn the personality of your Epwylm. If they’re bossy, look like you’re hard at work and do whatever you’re doing with a little extra focus and body movement. If they’re impatient, add a little bit of franticness and impatience to your activity (matching personalities only works if they’re not trying to be superior), as they’ll know what it’s like having a deadline or something and thereby be more likely to leave you at it, being to impatient to see exactly what it is you’re doing..
– Once you have an idea on how to act down, do things with your entire body rather then just hands and face. If you’re frantic, bounce around in your seat a bit as though you have to use the bathroom. In fact, you can even do that to buy yourself some time to think of your next move.
– Be careful not to completely over-do it, because then there’s a chance they’ll take interest, and when they find out it’s merely a game, there goes your excuse!
– Don’t look relaxed and comfortable. Try to be as casual and semi-uncomfortable as you can while at the same time not twisting your body into various, uncomfortable positions. Again, breaking bones in your own body is the cheap way out, and you’re not going to like it.
– Make yourself purposely sweat somehow, or even just turn red, as if you just came back from a major workout. Jumping jacks, push-ups, etc. Adds to the effect you’ve done your part to exist, especially if you just came back from being out.
– Use nothing except for a large or decent work armchair. No luxuriously large chairs or beds, because that makes you too king-like, and it will motivate Epwylms to pull you out of your luxury location.

You’ll notice the majority of these tips are directed towards putting the Epwylm to as much of a disadvantage as possible. When procrastinating, you want to be on the aggressive, not defensive. If you’re on the defensive, you have a weak situation, and chances are that they’ll always succeed somehow in either getting you to do an aaaaarrgh, or put you into a disciplinary state. If you’re strong, then you’ll have an offense as well as the defense, and thereby will be reinforced and ready. This is the true art of procrastination.

(We would like to apologize, but Dex never got to finishing this guide. If you have any questions, ask him and he’ll get right back to you as soon as he can. Thank you, and sorry for the inconvenience.)

The SWC Management