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NOTHING INTERESTING HAPPENS IN ARDOUGNE AGAIN
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It was a calm day; the sun was shining, the sky was cloudless, and every nook and cranny of the outdoor Ardougne city life was illuminated by its ever-persistent … well, life.
Everybody went about their daily business; selling goods, making goods, visiting the zoo, admiring the great castle, and drinking themselves silly at the local pub.
Little did they know, however, that things were not about to change.
A stranger in some other dimension was eying the goods of the gem trader, who is never usually the center of attention, and considering what would probably be better for him if it was stolen.
Once the gem trader turned his back, the non-existent stranger struck, and took nothing whatsoever!
He then didn’t turn and bolt down the road, as fast as he could.
A nearby guard not observing this action didn’t confront the stranger, and a chase most certainly wasn’t inevitable.
The no-speed chase led them places other then throughout the marketplace, up and down the main roads, and even around the castle.
The chase didn’t last for 20 minutes before the guard finally didn’t catch up to the thief and tackle him to the ground around somewhere other then in front og the tavern.
An arrest wasn’t made, and the imaginary thief was, without a fair trial, not sent to jail for 5 years.
The guard did not receive a promotion or a bonus, but didn’t care at that moment as he had done nothing to deserve it but stand around.
Ardougne was safe and peaceful as it always was once again.
In other news, someone assassinated Lathus’ entire specially-trained elite paladin squad.
Nothing interesting happened.

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LOBSTER DISCOVERED TO SPREAD CANCER
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Lobster – one of the most popular and easy-to-obtain foods on the surface of Runescape.
It heals a lot, is inexpensive, easy to cook, and there is a lot of them out there.
But what we don’t know is that although they may be healing us when we eat them, at the same time they are killing us.
That’s right: lobster causes cancer.
Scientists believe that it is due to all the litter tossed into the ocean as well as all of Tegid’s soap and laundry run-off interfering with the lobsters’ diet, well-being, and overall reproduction, as well as the massive outbreak of old, uncleaned lobster pots being used over and over in the already filthy water.
Perhaps it is also because adventurers negate to actually clean their fish before roasting it, adding the undesired additions of soap and sludge to the meat.
“I simply don’t believe it.” said adventurer Twerpsahoy, “I’ve been eating lobster all the time, and I feel fine! In fact, I couldn’t be more healthi- oops, my hit-points went down on it’s own again. Hold on a sec while I eat this lobster. … ah, that’s better. Now, as I was saying …”
The Runescape Counsel is hesitant on banning the consumption of lobster, fearing that all heck would break loose throughout the economy should this happen, so they are instead holding off and playing checkers as they wait for it to actually become a public issue so they can act all surprised and give out well-heard speeches increasing their popularity.
In the meantime, a word of warning to all adventurers out there. If your hit-points start “going down on their own”, stop eating lobster and start eating something else.
A good substitute for lobster that helps to pacify this disease is cabbage.
It is advised that for every lobster you eat, be sure to eat at least 27 cabbages as well; preferably in the same inventory and right after the other.
“This is totally baloney-” said Twerpsahoy before he died on his own.
Good health to you all, and farewell.

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PEBBLE CAUSES DESTRUCTION OF VARROCK
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Another fantastically coincidental chain of events even greater then the gnomeball incident a year ago occurred last week, which involved a pebble, several people, and the total annihilation of Varrock.
The SWC was rather surprised to arrive there and see the entire city demolished and in flames, including the museum and castle, so we went right down into investigation.
Upon interviewing several witnesses (and possible suspects), this is what we pieced together:

It started out as a normal day, until the Tramp who hangs out in the alleyway, turned down by a rude individual, kicked a pebble in disgust. The pebble flew into the window of the Blue Moon Inn, throwing glass all over a family who was stopping in. While some of them were rushed to the hospital, the rest ran out to attack whoever hurt their family members. Quite innocent enough.
The tramp ran back towards the Black Arm gang hideout (which is no longer a secret, of course), with the angry mob on his heels. Upon entering the hideout and followed by the people, the thieves instinctively fired their newly obtained phoenix crossbows at them. One of the bolts ricocheted out the window and flew right into the window of the next door house, pinning the large curtains to the stove.
Seeing as nobody was home at the time, the house caught fire. The volunteer fire department rushed out to extinguish the fire, but the house (made of stone, of course) was already engulfed in flames. The floorboards holding the walls together burned away and all four walls broke off from each other and fell down like a flower effect – one of them collapsing the hideout, and one of them collapsing the sword shop.
Meanwhile, the injured members of the family, seeing the collapsing of the buildings from the middle of the road while being escorted to the hospital that doesn’t really exist in Varrock, went on a panic streak and forced themselves off the stretcher to run and see if their brothers and sisters were all right. One of them knocked over someone trying to apply a bandage and he fell into a mage trying to cast a fire wave on an unsuspecting guard. The bandage was somehow wrapped around his head and, unable to see, he missed the guard and instead struck the Dancing Donkey inn.
As expected, it caught fire too, with continuous explosions from their beer barrels (we always thought they tasted a little strange) blasting wood and stone into the surrounding buildings. One of the flaming pieces of wood flew into the secret Zamorak church and fell right into their large barrel of oil to which they use to light their torches and stuff. It fell over, and poured burning fuel all around the church and out the door, setting more nearby buildings on fire including Aubury’s rune shop.
In an attempt to save himself, Aubury shot spell after spell of water wave through his walls as fast as he could at the fire, but then accidentally grabbed an earth rune instead of a water rune. The ground erupted, shaking the surrounding buildings to the ground and sending large embers of fire scattering all around the eastern section of town, hitting and lighting the remaining buildings in the southeastern area.
The volunteer fire department, finally finished with the southwestern area, which is all collapsed from domino effects, dashed to put out the fires in the southeast. People ran from the fire in a blind panic, some of them even disturbing the oblivious Zaff, who shot a fire strike just to shut everyone up while he had his nap. It hit a seriously drunk bum, making him explode and alight the front castle garden on fire. Since the gardener was pathetic and it was reaching the time of year, all the grass was dry and dead, and the fire spread all around the castle, surrounding and threatening to engulf it. King Roald ordered all his guards to extinguish the fire, but because somebody killed them all, nobody was left to extinguish the fires that began to spread inside the castle.
The fire department turned their attention towards the castle. Since it was already lost, they instead focused on making a path for everyone to evacuate.They came in through the eastern end, hitting the fires with water wave and buckets of water. Soon, a path was cleared, and King Roald opened the door to the kitchen to escape, but unfortunately, he also let the outdoor oxygen into the already burning kitchen. The entire room burst into flames, and it wasn’t long before the flames reached the newly-delivered shipment of ale for, you guessed it, the Dancing Donkey Inn.
The explosion sent the entire eastern wall section flying out across the street and into the Saradomin church, collapsing it under its sheer weight and velocity. Another explosion sent a flaming barrel into the nearby house, which exploded upon breaking open and sending that house to the ground.
Right about here, all that was left was both banks, the museum, real-estaters, Horvik’s armory, and Zaff’s. Since the western armory was already in ruins, it didn’t really count, as it had no roof. Zaff, who finally realized that 75% of Varrock was destroyed, immediately started casting water waves against the fires. One unlucky shot (seriously, what’s with all the bad luck?), struck a barrel of imported fertilizer, exposing its content to the fire.
Another explosion, and the 3 remaining barrels, already alight but the fire not getting through because of the wooden material, flew in three very convenient directions. One hit the west bank, one hit the east bank, and one hit the museum, all of them flying through the window and exploding on contact from the breaking of the barrel and igniting of the chemicals. The western bank fell to the side, sending several tons of building material into the large mansion to the west.
The explosion in the Eastern bank woke Horvik up. After looking outside and seeing everything burst in flames around him, Horvik ran inside his place in panic and quickly packed up so he could evacuate as well. In his rush, he accidentally knocked a hammer into his stove and it sent a number of embers flying around. one of them landing in his own, somehow opened, barrel of fuel. After the inevitable explosion, the stone chimney was knocked free, and it fell right upon the real-estaters house, collapsing the extraordinarily flimsy building easily.
All that was left now was Zaff’s. He didn’t want to be blamed for the fire, since his place was the only one left standing, so he collected all his staffs and used earth wave to collapse his own shop.
Nothing was left now, except the cooks guild and Gertrude’s house, but those aren’t really part of Varrock.

And there you have it. Varrock completely desecrated all because of a pebble.
Not to worry, though, because from some generous donations from the allied kingdoms, Varrock received enough funding to rebuild.
It was completely rebuilt over-night, as everyone knows Varrock wasn’t built in a day, and everything returned to the normality that was Runescape.
Except now, pebble kicking was made illegal.

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MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN DOES IT AGAIN
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A rather unfortunate event occurred when the mysterious old man popped up in the middle of the Yanille fletching guild a few days ago.
In an attempt to hand one of his annoying mysterious boxes to one of the fletchers, his hand got stuck in his backpack where he keeps them all.
Desperate to pull it out before it got crushed, he took off his backpack and shook it violently to loosen it from him.
Eventually, it came free, and it flew into the crowd of people, splitting open.
An estimated 12 million mysterious boxes suddenly appeared on top of the crowd of innocent autoers, crushing several and making several others laugh at those who were crushed.
“HOW does he LIFT all that at once?!?” asked someone other then Zezima.
“The bank is doomed!” asked another someone other then Zezima.
“Where’s my party hat?” asked Zezima.
To the last response, a program was suddenly filed to begin solving all those boxes in an attempt to free the trapped banker and re-establish the player-made fletching guild.
Should anyone decide to help and partake in the millions of sapphires being thrown out of the bank to make room for more, the address if Yanille bank, big building to the north of Yanille, north of the wizards guild of Yanille, north Yanille, Yanille.
The mysterious old man, however, decided that this was for the best, and that he still had a few mysterious boxes to hand out to the rest of the world, so it didn’t matter.
“That’s MUCH better.” he said, “I should’ve thought of that a long time ago!”
We estimate they will be finished clearing the bank and storing all the rewards sometime yesterday.

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NOBLEMEN RAISE MONEY TO CURE NEWBANISM
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Newbanism – the term defining a combination of laziness, confusion, and ‘ridiculability’ (the ability to get ridiculed by those more superior to) that so many people suffer during their first stages of life.
The road to the cure can be long and treacherous, with many of them not surviving the conversion process at all, while others, though they make it, become scarred for life at the experience.
That is why a team of noblemen, lead by Dimintheis, is gathering together to form a pot of gold to help them get through this state without any negative consequence.
“I seems like a good cause,” said Ali Morrisane, “Because you can’t sell anything to people who just don’t have any money.”
Some of the gold is directly from their own pockets, while the rest is obtained by wealthy adventurers through a number of donations programs and (in Ali’s case), sales pitches, where he sells junk and adds a fraction of the profit to the pot.
The money will be available to newbies unless they are too clueless to realize that it is available, even though it is painted in big, bold letters on a sign bigger then a moss giant’s bed-sheet.
Upon proving that they’re newbie enough, they will receive some money to help get them some good weapons and working materials.
“However, we are somewhat afraid that they will only just get used to handouts, and keep coming back for more and more.” says Dimintheis, “So we are restricting how much somebody gets a day.”
A system was set up so that if somebody came in and asked for money twice in the same day, they will receive an emerald crossbow bolt to the brain and a slap on the neck by means of dragon 2-hand sword.
“I can imagine this system would help our profit margin.” says Dimintheis.
So far, they have raised close to 14 000 coins, and are hoping to get into the millions by next January.