Manya’s Mayhem – Losing is it’s own insult.
CASTLE WARS BLUNDER SPARKS ZAMORAKIAN RIOT
No matter how tightly enforced the rules of a games are, there is ALWAYS someone out there bent on finding a way around them.
And, by pure coincidence, it turns out that somebody did completely by accident last Tuesday!
Or so we are “lead” to believe it was accidental.
Castle Wars – fun for all; a fantastic method of training yourself against your fellow warrior; a game of strategy, luck, and endurance.
The Zamorakian Team #3662 thought otherwise – a game of being cheap!
The flag holder for the Saradominist team, after snatching the flag from under their noses after their flag stealer died from a broken toe in the beginning of the game, ran right into a Zamorakian barricade of troops bent on destroying him.
As a last, feeble attempt to stall them, the flag holder for the Saradomin team winged the flag with his last dying action.
The flag sailed over their heads and wedged itself in between the battlements of the spectator wall.
Since the Zamorakians couldn’t reach it, nor could the spectators, it was there for pretty much the entire game.
Of course, they were all furious with this outcome.
Interviewer Dex went in-game to the large gathered crowd of Zamorakians who were all shouting stuff at no one in particular.
“Hax noob tossd flag up wall duh” said Zamorakian player TeachEng102, “No fare game us couldn get da flag cuz dat noob omg”
TeachEng102 then found himself unable to speak because both his feet had mysteriously gotten shoved down his throat.
The crowd dispersed moments after the interview, and the game ended with a score of 33 Saradomin, 0 Zamorak.
“I actually thought it was rather funny.” said Lanthus, “But I don’t want it happening again. That’s not what castle wars is all about.”
Lanthus purchased some long sticks to prod and loosen and flags that get caught in the battlements should this ever happen again and distributed them all around the spectators area to ensure this WOULDN’T happen again.
The Zamorakians hosted an uneventful riot after the game in compensation to this unfair tactic, only to be dispersed minutes later because the game was starting in two minutes.
“For crying out loud, it’s only 2 tickets.” said Lanthus.
SWORDFISH DAZZLES THOUSANDS
Swordfish: Food, meat, delicacy, trophy … lethal weapon?
I think not!
That’s not what Stew P Fied thought when he picked up a discarded 2-week old swordfish, claiming it as his first ever free item.
As the smell prevented edibility, Stew instead attempted to wield it as some kind of weapon, attempting to defy the physics that said one just couldn’t do it.
That, and he didn’t have a weapon.
After 4 years of training, he had defied those laws, and successfully wielded that swordfish, now 4 years and 2 weeks old (and pretty much all bone and mould by now).
The next thing he knew, he got swarmed by inquirers and curious bystanders, low and high level combat alike; the majority of this sudden crowd asking how he is able to wield it.
While a number of them were intrigued by this new unknown concept, a minority of them was disgusted by this strange but intriguing attempt at something new.
“A swordfish ain’ a weapon!” said Brian, the axe seller from Port Sarim, “Jus’ because i’s got the word ‘sword’ in i’ don’ mean it a sword.”
The crowd followed Stew around for several days until he finally died from lack of oxygen, and the magnificent swordfish was dropped (he kept three gnomeballs thrown at him).
It was picked up by high-level 1ma Pur3, who ran from the crowd in order to breathe again.
However, in an attempt to wield that swordfish, he accidentally misclicked wound up eating it.
“DEFINITELY didn’t taste like chicken.” he said after some running back and forth from the bush several times.
Oh well, can’t win them all.
FASTEST PEST CONTROL DEFEAT IN HISTORY
The world record in winning a game of Pest Control is one minute, 53 seconds – reason being, the final portal went down in less then 8 seconds.
The world record in losing a game of Pest Control is lower. Much much lower.
And because of last Tuesday, the record had finally been broken.
It now stands at .8 milliseconds.
The cause – a shard of iron ore.
It was a normal day – people jumping into assorted landers and getting carried off to the infested islands in a feeble attempt to quell the infestation before the entire island, with no resources or the like, gets overrun by evil creatures.
A high-level, whose name we’re keeping confidential for humility reasons, ran into our record-breaking lander right after mining some iron from the Rimmington mine and just didn’t have the time to bank.
The iron ore, after scraping his armor several times in the dash, became temporarily magnetized and messed around with the compass in the sailor’s lander.
The sailor, following it to his destination, lost track of direction and wound up going around in circles for an hour.
After figuring out the compass kept on pointing to the miner, the iron ore was removed and tossed aside.
Now that the compass was working, the sailor followed it and went full speed ahead.
Unfortunately, he was at his max speed when he suddenly realized they were actually at the island.
Unable to slow down in time, the boat struck the landing dock and catapulted over the island, landing square atop the Void Knight and killing him instantly.
Disappointed players were shipped right back after a waste of time that they didn’t realize.
“I lagged out for a second in the lander.” said adventurer Chee Zee, “And when I came too, we were all off the lander and the void knight was yelling at us. I thought ‘what the heck, we never DID anything!'”
A poster depicting this world record time and the names of all the crew members was posted on the wall of the bank as a memorial, but it got stolen a few minutes later.
Sort of ironic. Win a fast record by losing a fast game.
WORLDS UNLUCKIEST PKER GETS IT HARD
Do you feel like you’re the world’s worst PKer; that the world and fate is out to get you and nothing ever goes your way?
Maybe reading this article will tell you that there are people who are MUCH worse off then you are and thereby relieve your depression.
Chuck Sohoy, self-proclaimed the unluckiest PKer on the face of Runescape, decided to prove his unluckiness by entering the wilderness while writing a diary of all the actions he witnessed during his feeble attempt to PK a whip or something.
This is how it goes:
“I started off by grabbing all of my gear … well, remaining gear, including a whip, dragon square, full torag armor, obsidian cape, and barrows gloves. I also included a full inventory of shark, super sets, prayer potions, and teleport runes. Add a ring of life for good luck, and I was set.
“Now, when I first stepped foot inside the wilderness, I immediately encountered somebody around my level. Attempting to attack him, I failed to notice that he had a clan all standing in the same square, all of them approximately my level. What’s more, it was a multi-combat area. I usually go there in hopes that I might make an ally or two. They all began to attack me. Mind you, I was now skulled from attacking that first player.
“Naturally, I instinctively tried to click on the ditch to escape, but then I realize another fault I made – I forgot to turn off Accept Aid. It appeared they were all standing together so their Lunar mage might teleport them all to the Ice Plateau, and I was caught in the teleportation field. Unfortunately, the area of the ditch I clicked was also coincidentally where the ‘accept’ button was, and before I knew it, I was at the ice plateau.
“Upon realizing they had an extra in their clan, I became the center of attention. Fortunately, I was lucky enough to make it to the ancient portal to attempt to teleport myself to a lower level wilderness and teleport away. Of course, everyone in that clan decided to follow suit and they all jumped in as I warped. Unfortunately, instead of level 19 wilderness, I found myself near the Rouge encampment in level 52.
“Surrounding the portal, waiting for a target, was another, more larger clan. Receiving the first clan as well as myself, they immediately began attack with several ancient magi. It immediately became the unwilling battle of two clans, and I was caught in the middle of the entire fray. I swore aloud.
“After depleting half of my shark inventory, I managed to get out of the mayhem and run out of range. Fortunate enough to escape without dying, I immediately dashed for the iron gate in an attempt to get to lower level wilderness without risking rush back into the mayhem and activating the portal. It was when I reached the gate when I noticed that the chaos elemental, which I had passed on the way, had thrown a teleportation spell at me, and I wound up back in the middle of the fray.
“Now with only 5 sharks left, I escaped the fray yet again, and this time took the northern route away from the chaos elemental, not deciding to make that same mistake again. Focusing mainly on the map for transport, I failed to notice I had run myself right into the wolves and scorpions of the nearby trench. I got through without taking much damage, and decided my best course of action was to get to Kolodions and use the lever to enter his cavern.
“Upon arriving, I discovered a gang of ancient magi behind the house, waiting for somebody. I quickly dashed into the now-open webs and pulled the lever to discover that during the fray, I was teleblocked. Upon realizing this, two things happened at once. The ancient magi went around the house and were now standing at the front of the building, and the webs came back up.
“After escaping the ice bursts with 2 shark left and running to the corner to force them to come in and get me, Once the web was cut, I ran for dear life. I was caught again, but luckily, survived and escaped them, as they ran out of energy before I ran out of energy potion.
“I returned to the now deserted ice plateau without meeting anybody and passed the ancient portal, fearful that it would send me back to the fray near the chaos elemental. It was at that moment where the previous clan, battle worn from the attack, had appeared in the portal attempting to retreat and were followed by the other clan. Mayhem broke out all around me, but I luckily escaped yet again with only 30 health and no remaining shark.
“I decided my final hope was the King Black Dragon lair. I would rush in and teleport away from this mess before it could land a blow on me. I dashed in past the lesser demons and entered the spider pit and attempted to pull the lever. Please note from an earlier paragraph that I had a teleblock on me preventing entry to Kolodion’s lair.
“Escaping, but being poisoned in the process, I ran for my life down the wilderness, attempting to at least get to a deserted place so I may recover my stuff once I died. Up ahead, I saw this brown, standing up fox creature pacing around the wilderness ditch. In desperation for food or something beneficial to my health, I made the biggest mistake of my life.
“I attacked it.”
He wound up in Falador with nothing remaining but the memories of the experience, and the thankfulness that he at least didn’t lose his account.
That is, however, until he got muted for saying something inappropriate when encountering the clans and getting reported by each and every one of them.
Dex wound up back at the SWC with full torag, a whip, dragon square, and obsidian cape.
TZHAAR FIGHT ARENA COLLAPSES
Our final story of losing comes from the tzhaar cavern, where an unexpected mishap ruined a major, though friendly, clan war.
Each side, with nearly 60 members per, all entered the fight arena equipped with the works – ancient mage, barrows, crystal bows, potions, whips, etc.
They were all thrown into the arena, where they proceeded to take sides, leaving a large gap in between the two preparing lines. Potions were drunk, and prayers were prepared.
Finally, the tzhaar referee shouted “BEGIN!” and the ancient mages started things off with nearly a hundred simultaneous ice bursts.
The quick decrease of temperature unintentionally solidified the surrounding lava and compressed the ceiling into itself, causing a great landslide that wiped out both clans and the arena in less then a minute.
Tzhaar officials, curious adventurers, and oncoming spectators were gathering around the large flattening pile of collapsed ceiling, keeping their distance in case it collapsed some more.
Needless to say, the tzhaar arena contractor May-kit-zo was furious at the outcome.
“You realize how much it would cost to have the wall and ceiling reinforced and all the rocks cleared?” he asked.
Field interviewer Dex guessed about 10 tokkul, as they had the services of the Tz-tok Jad, and May decided the interview was over.
After reinforcing the walls primarily by splattering lava chunks all over it, the rubble was cleared (it was made into a quest) and the remaining armor and robes were all … donated to a good cause.
A very VERY good cause.
Clans are advised to not overcast ice barrage again, and a sign depicting that only a maximum of 40 ancient magi are permitted in the fight arena at a time had been put up near the entrance barrier and stolen by a vandal.
Losing is its own insult. Accept it, or do better.