The excuse this time is that Alex 43 was drawing a comic, and his pencil snapped. The lead flew into his visor and into his armor, and he spent the whole month trying to get it out.
Let’s face it. The world is corrupted.
So today, to you good-privileged readers who are spoiled enough to have access to a computer, I’m going to teach you guys how to do stuff … the DEX way.
No majiya training is necessary. In fact, this guide is primarily for those who can’t use it whatsoever. Aren\t I that convenient? LOVE me for my convenience. HUG me! KISS m- … actually, no. Never mind. Forget I just said all that.
You need parents or siblings for a number of these. Seeing as I don’t have any siblings or parents at the moment, I’m going to speak in terms of having Manya, Alex, and Gia.
You also need a bed or lounge chair.
That’s pretty much it. Now, if you’re ready, let’s do things the DEX way!
WHAT IS THE “DEX” WAY?
The DEX way is what I call the prime methods of being the boss of yourself and those around you and everyone else liking it. You get to be lazy, snobby, and rude, and no one will complain about it. Basically, you’re living in a dream world where everything you do doesn’t matter. A bit. And it’s all REAL.
Sure, anyone can be lazy, but it takes a true master (like myself) to take it to the next level. Here is just a sample of what you can do, and it’s all step by step, portraying the fact that I’m assuming you are lazy to begin with.
If you are going to proceed, make sure you are alone or with some of your best friends. If you’re a parent … well, consider your child about to be owned.
You ready? Gooooood …
Ah, chores. The actions that you must perform to make a place good for everybody besides yourself to live in. The actions you must perform to make your worth.
If you hate chores, and I mean HATE chores, then this is the guide for you.
Ok, let’s start off with an example: Cleaning your room.
Grab your lounge chair and sit in it. When your mom or parent comes in and tells you to clean your room, you want to groan as though you just came out of the gym. … ok, maybe you don’t know what that’s like. Ok, try this. Stretch yourself and just let out a long effortless groan with hardly any exhaling. That should do it at a distance.
Your mom will do either of 3 things:
1: She’ll say something like “Don’t give me that, you haven’t done a thing all day”. You say “I lead a very pro-active day, Mom. I’m exhausted.” Whatever her retort is to this, don’t say anything but shrug after she’s done talking. Usually she hesitates for a moment, and then leaves. You’re safe, for now. If not, repeat. Whatever happens next is your fault.
2: She’ll just say “Do it sometime today.” and walk away. Procrastinate the whole day, and when she asks why it’s still so messy, say you forgot. You want your brain preserved for remembering physics and social studies, not the exact time towards having to clean a room that’s just going to get messy again 3 minutes later. A totally reasonable argument.
3: If you have a sibling and you share a room, she’ll get him/her to possibly come ‘help’ you. ‘Help’. Yes, keyword there. Make them do all the work – say it’s his/her mess, so he/she should be the one to clean it up. Say it’s their junk, and if they don’t attend to it, you’re going to throw it out. And if they retort by saying “It’s your stuff”, then say that you clean the room by yourself ALL the time when he/she is away, and now it’s “his/her turn”. If they tell mom, follow situation 1.
If you’re able to follow one of these 3 methods, then hey, no having to clean up your room! If not, clean it, and get used to it.
Here’s another one – washing dishes.
Whenever you’re asked to do a chore that involves fragile or potentially dangerous equipment, you want to purposely screw up. Drop a dish, do a poor job, ultimately turn work into a hazard for the entire family. As a result, your parent will do one of three things (again).
1: They’ll take over the chore themselves and not say a good. Fine by you. Walk away and do something fun.
2: They’ll forcefully or softly teach you how it’s done. Say “I still don’t really get it, the art of washing the dish is foreign to me” every time they say “Do you understand”. Do this until they give in and do it themselves, or you begin to enjoy it and do it yourself. Totally worth it, if you ask me.
3: FORCEFUL DISCIPLINE! Call the humane society and report parental abuse. … nah, I’m kidding. That’s a last resort. Take the pain and if you’re sent to your room, do something fun instead of reflect on the action. Become a lawyer.
You get the basic idea. If the parent brings you in for a sit-down and starts disciplining you with a lecture, here’s the trick. Pay attention and listen to every word they say, and understand the whole thing. If there are parts you don’t understand, ask. Be as complex as possible. Heck, they might even think you’ve learned something and you get the rest of the day off. Totally worth it!
DON’T look at me like that. Just do it. Trust me on this.
Yeah, sure work is tough. You should have studied harder so you could have that dream job you’ve always wanted instead of having to sit in a cubicle all day answering the phone and repeating stuff other people said to you to them.
But hey, what are you going to do? That’s life.
Speaking of life, I’m sure there are times where you want to live it, and you call in sick even though the only sick part about you is the result of you not bothering to take a shower.
Calling in sick. PAH! That’s the fool’s way. That’s the NIMROD’s way. THAT’S THE LOSER WAY! You’re only lying to yourself and your boss won’t believe a word of it. Let me give you a few tips on skipping out on work … the DEX way!
1: Fear and confusion.
You want to skip today, so you phone your boss and when he answers, pretend you’re out of breath and say, or even shout, something like, “I CAN’T come to work today! IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN!”. You want to sound really desperate and afraid. Naturally, your boss will be confused and say “What? What?”, and you reply with “IT! IT! You KNOW already! I told you, remember?” Of course, he won\’t remember, as this is your first time telling him (or hundred thousandth). If he says “No, you never told me.”, then say “Must’ve been a co-worker. Ask them! I GOTTA GO!” and hang up. If he says “Refresh my memory”, shout, “You know, with my (illegible garble) and the (illegible garble)! I can’t tell you about it right now! I GOTTA go. Listen, don’t worry about me. The police will be here shortly. I’ll be at work tomorrow.”
You want to say all this as quick as you can between loud gasps.
If your boss actually comes over to check on you, laugh and say “you got PRANKED!” behind a “hidden” camcorder you previously set up.
Come in tomorrow all happy and merry, and tell your boss it was a really close one, but it was completely resolved and “shouldn’t” happen again.
2: The polite way.
You call the boss, say “Hi, how are you.” Chat for a while, as though you’re buddies. After a bit, you then say, “Listen, do you REALLY need me on (whenever)? Because if it’s OK with you, I would like to take a break from working and (do whatever).” Bosses like honesty, and chances are good that they’ll say “Sure, you’ve been working hard. You deserve a day off.” Develop good relations with your boss the day after. Thank him for the day off, buy him a coffee, whatever. Only do it when necessary, or he’ll suspect a pattern.
3: The over-worked way. (My favorite)
This only works when you want to take a few days off in the later future (2 – 4 weeks away) for whatever reason. I’ve tried it myself, it works rather nicely. And once you get into it, you don’t even have to pretend. It will come natural.
Here’s what you do. On the first day, you offer to stay for a hour or so overtime. Not too long. Finish it and get extra pay and go home. Over the next few days, you do things in a bit of a hurry and make a frequent mistake, but nothing too serious. Accidentally spill coffee, a typo in your memo that (hopefully) your coworker points out, etc. Stay for an ascending extra 15 minutes each day, saying you really need the money as an excuse.
After about a week, take things to a bit of an extremity. Drink more coffee more quickly, spilling it and shaking it a bit as though you’re worried about something or somebody with a knife is lucking behind the corner. Mutter and talk to yourself with bloodshot eyes and even become fidgety. Remember, this MUST be only gradually, and in the afternoon. In the morning, “seem” to recover a bit, but after lunch is done, begin to show symptoms of overworking once more.
Around the end of the second week (or whatever week you want off), begin to go insane. Talk to co-workers that aren’t there, work 6 hours overtime, do other peoples work with some “extras” (just be creative).
By about this time, your co-workers should have secretly reported to the boss that you aren’t doing too well. When he invites you in for a bit of a talk (sooner or later, if not, casually wander in his office while talking in a cell phone with dead batteries), DON’T say anything about taking a week off or whatever. Respond to him as though he was sitting 20 feet away without actually screaming. Then, out of nowhere, begin to go off the deep end and catch yourself before the boss actually stands up and tackles you to the ground. Apologize, say that you feel terrible. It’s been so hard.
Right about there, your boss should offer some time off for you to take a break. If he doesn’t, he’s a (censored for the good of the Earth). But if it does work, use that time to “recover” yourself and come back all nice and fresh and ready to go. Also, with the over-time money, you can really enjoy yourself. Who knows, you might even learn a few things while doing this and get a promotion when you come back.
It sounds difficult, but once you get into it, it’s actually quite easy. Again, I’ve done it myself successfully, so it shouldn’t be too hard for you. Just REMEMBER to take it slowly, or it won’t work and you’d have to start over after a few weeks.
Ok, that’s enough for today. I don’t want you guys trying to steal my style and master it into something new that you can take all the credit for.
… or DO I? I’ll have to consider it for next month.