BRIDGE COLLAPSES OVER THE RIVER LUM
A wet surprise was in store for the citizens of Al Kharid and Lumbridge.
A newly built bridge straight across from the Lumbridge swamp all the way to the Al Kharid desert had collapsed yesterday from the base.
The entire middle arched section snapped at both ends almost simultaneously and the entire bridge fell into the water, where it sunk to the bottom of the Lum river.
“We had just finished building that thing.” said master builder Dwaine Orshyne, “We had our experts look at every conceivable outcome. What could we have gone wrong?”
The cause of this disaster appears to be the exceeding of its weight limit.
It turns out that Zezima, world renowned for being a great inspiration by everyone and the basis of every joke by everyone else, was crossing the new bridge to test out this new easy access route to Zanaris from Al Kharid.
Accompanying him were twenty thousand innocent bystanders whom he didn’t know that were all following him because he was … well, Zezima.
Unable to sustain the weight of 20, 001 people at the same time, the bridge gave in and everyone drowned in the river.
Only Zezima survived because he was cool.
He used his amazing agility level to walk on top of the floating bodies to get to Lumbridge swamp.
“The bridge wasn’t that bad.” said Zezima in a [forced] interview with Dex, “Provided I kept my balance and didn’t trip over anyone’s noses, the human corpse bridge idea was actually quite ingenious.”
The SWC assisted in the removal of the bodies. A new bridge will be thought up and constructed in the later future.
Hopefully this time it will have a weight limit of at least 20 “Zezimas”.
DRAGON VISITS VARROCK LIBRARY
Reldo had experienced a rather unique, but scary experience event this morning.
A black dragon, known well for being one of the oldest, rarest, and scariest dragons on the face of Gielinor, invaded the Varrock castle and headed straight for the library.
Inside, it proceeded to do its business as Reldo, paralyzed with fear, feebly attempted to call security, who all couldn’t come because they had an adventurer visiting the castle too.
“HOW the HECK did it get through all the doors without breaking them?!?” asked King Roald, who was too stupid to care about what was going on.
Once the SWC got there to investigate this rather unlikely predicament, the dragon was long gone and we had to get our information directly from Reldo and the castle watch guards.
“Well, we were watching the castle, as we always do,” said watch guard Smack N Daface, “And then we saw this big black shape fly over us and land, like right in the courtyard. See, we were supposed to shoot at bad guys trying to invade our castle, but since it didn’t have a battering ram with it, we assumed it wasn’t invading and thereby didn’t do anything. After a while, we heard some signs of struggling and the creature was inside the castle.”
“I was reading a book on Deja Vu for the 15th time,” said Reldo, “When the doors opened and I see this big giant face through the doors. And it wasn’t a human face, either, but instead a dragon’s. It squeezed into the library, scaring me and making me jump under the desk to hide. Looking through a conveniently eye-sized hole on the bottom, I saw it walking around the many shelves, looking and sniffing at all the books. After what felt like an hour, it finally used its nose to knock a book off the shelf, pick it up in its mouth, and leave the library with it. That what I think happened, because I just saw a glimpse of its cover, not how it obtained it. How everything was still neat and organized was beyond me. After it left the castle, to which i could tell because of all the screaming inexperienced adventurers outside, I climbed out from under the desk and proceeded to take inventory to see which book it took.”
Analyzing the footprints, Gia came up with a report about what the dragon was like. It was a massive 40 foot long and 15 foot high fully winged male Southern Spined Black Dragon, perhaps one of the biggest species of black dragon in existence.
We are still looking into how it got through the 8-foot doorways, though the 10 foot wide halls, and into the 9 foot high library, where each bookshelf, stretched to the ceiling, was a mere 5 feet apart.
Either way, it did a good job at squeezing through that tight space without damaging anything.
Everybody recovered from the shock of the event in a few hours and life returned to normal in the Varrock castle.
Ironically, the only book missing, which we are led to believe it took, was titled “Claustrophobia and how to handle it”.
THE GREAT LUMBRIDGE EATING CONTEST CONCLUDED
Another one of Lumbridge’s annual events has come and gone, and left naught but great memories and a trophy in the hands of the one who deserved it.
Yes, the Annual Lumbridge Eating X-hibition (ALEX), founded on April the 3rd (43), and in no way related to our fantastic leader, had attracted contestants from far and wide, hoping to see just who can put the world into global starvation the quickest and most efficient way possible.
Nearly 300 contenders attended this magnificent festival, thousands more came to witness this magnificent festival, and 2 incredibly stupid pranksters attempted to ruin this magnificent festival, but were dog-piled by the contestants. HILARIOUS!
May they rest in peace after the unnecessarily intense but painfully humiliating overkill.
The contestants had shown some true dedication; some of them had starved themselves for nearly a week just to prepare and about a dozen of them died trying to climb up onto the stage due to malnutrition. HILARIOUS!
The SWC didn’t attend this event, as none of us were really into over-eating, but I, the amazingly mysterious Manya, actually volunteered to be an assistant chef and helped with the creating of the meals.
Unfortunately, just my being there to serve the food caused the unfortunate bowing out of nearly half the contestants.
Maybe I should have worn a different concealment suit.
Anyway, the food was made, the contestants were served, and the festival was officially on once the clock struck noon.
The audience, including myself, watched as the full devotion to such an absurd contest was brought out by the remaining contestants, who pigged out and shoved as much food down their necks as fast as they could.
The contest worked like this: contestants were given a number of ridiculously large courses of ridiculously large foodstuffs which they were to eat in vast quantities.
Time did not matter much, as each contestant only had a limited amount.
Unfortunately, a minor chemical factor was overlooked in the planning of this meal.
They were to start off by eating a dozen freshly baked apple pies, loaded to the brim with flour, milk, yeast, and baking soda.
Then they were to eat a rather large bowl of salad, seasoned and practically flooded with vinegar-based dressings.
The following unscheduled music program lasted for nearly an hour until we deemed it safe to continue the contest.
After the pies and salads were consumed (and relieved of), they went onto the main dish, where contestants had to eat 5 chickens, 2 chompy birds, and one entire jubbly bird, courtesy of Rantz, the worst cook in the world.
If the contestants finished all of that, they ended off with a quintuple layered wedding cake consisting of enough material to make an entire barrel full of chocolate syrup, 2 whole barrels of marshmallows, and one full Zezima of icing (that’s a lot of icing!).
If they finished THAT as well … well, then they won guaranteed, provided no one else finished everything, or it would go into sudden death where players had to eat an unlimited supply of boiled cheese-flavoured pasta until it all ran out, and then they were given a bottle of red wine to drink straight after.
Whoever made the prettier explosion afterwards was to be declared the winner.
To our disappointment our winner, a chinese guy named Mot Cho Man, won by being the only one out of all of them to actually start on the Jubbly bird, to which he had to decline because he found out he had allergies and immediately had to stop.
The rest of them, most of them eliminated during the salad, couldn’t fit a single chompy in them after the chicken.
It wasn’t too disappointing. The rest of the food, including the cakes and pasta, was auctioned off to pay for clean-up costs, and I even brought home one of those cakes that I helped to bake, which we hope to have finished by the end of the next century.
We thank all who attended and hope to see more contestants next year.
HATS GO BAD
Last Wednesday was the day the entire planet stood still from the horror that was … the HATS.
Ali Morrisane, known to all for being a jerk, had developed a new product that he feels will become the next tinderbox of fire-makers, though it’s not directly related to tinderboxes or fire-makers.
In fact, I don’t know why I said that.
Last Sunday, using the soft wood from the deep wilderness trees as lining material, he mass produced an assembly line of new hats for people to wear which bore large green letters that said “Ali Morrisane is the best!”
Since nobody bouht those, he changed it to saying “I R0X T3H W0r1D! and they immediately became a best seller.
Thousands of these rather silly looking but in-style hats flooded the marketplace in a matter of days.
However, on Wednesday, all that changed for the worst.
The wooden lining, still alive and possessed by the spirits of the wilderness, absorbed the humidity it much needed to regain physical control, and started attaching themselves to the heads they lay on, consuming the brains of all its wearers, possessing their bodies, and ultimately turning them into trees in a manner of hours.
Even though newbies weren’t affected by the second stage for some reason because the hats died either by extreme sugar intake or malnutrition, thousands of horrified people succumbed to this weird fate without warning, turning nearly every town into a forest!
Immediately, the SWC were called into action, but as neither of us knew what to do, we went straight for Ali Morrisane just to yell at him.
“I told everyone I saw that the hats looked stupid.” said Dex, “But they laughed and warned me that if I didn’t get one, my brain would get sucked clean out of my head by the dreaded invisible blob. They were probably influenced by the hats. Suckers. The invisible blob feeds on stomach contents, not brains.”
We asked Ali Morrisane where he got the material for these hats, but he only replied “secret of the trade”, and tried to sell us some junk.
After Dex tested his product efficiency of one of Ali’s pots, Gia got a strange though convincing idea, and we went around Gielinor with a few of his trademark stamping kits and started stamping “Produced by Ali Morrisane Incorporated” on the hat-like tops of these new trees.
Now that they were proven to be uninsured pieces of worthless junk, the trees died of poor quality and the metamorphic effect they had on the consumers died off with them.
Then they sued Ali Morrisane for ripping them off with possessed hats that didn’t even properly possess them.
Satisfied that Ali will no longer be able (or want) to make such a threatening product, life was once again restored to the ignorant and unsuspecting citizens of Gielinor.
DRAGON FLU OUTBREAK THREATENS ANYTHING FLAMMABLE
If you’re not a dragon, then this doesn’t really concern you unless you’re standing next to one.
If you are a dragon, then this DOES concern you unless you’re standing next to a human you really don’t like.
If you are a dragon that lives in a grass house surrounded by deciduous trees next to the propane mines in the Tar Pit Isles, then this really REALLY concerns you.
A massive outbreak of the dreaded “Dragon Flu” has spread all across the northern wilderness lands and it threatening to spread southwest towards the Asgarnian and Kandarin kingdoms.
The dragon flu is caused by a virus that builds up in the esophagus and swells it tight, making it difficult to breathe.
Though it’s not exactly life threatening, it itches something fierce, and often causes heavy gasping and sneezing over periods of time.
Symptoms include itchiness in the throat, feeling unusually parched, and mild headaches that have nothing to do with the flu, but I thought it was a good symptom to signify the flu, so I added it here to make it seem more dramatically scary.
Side-effects of this flu, as said before, involve heavy sneezing and uncontrollable fire-breathing in whatever direction you happen to be facing at the time, followed by heavy exhaustion and temporary loss of speech.
Side-effects of someone in the vicinity of a dragon with such a flu includes heavy fever, rise in body temperature, boiling of the skin and blood, and all-out intense pain.
Loss of clothing is also a consequence, but that ultimately depends on what you’re wearing.
The flu is predicted to spread for a few months, then die down from the decrease in temperature as winter approaches.
A cure for the Dragon Flu is still being researched, but we find that any dragon can somewhat relieve the itchiness by drinking lots and lots of water (for the sake of those around you, it’s highly advised).
The flu lasts for about a week while the body fights the virus and gains an immunity to it. At most, a dragon can catch this flu about 4 times before fully immune to this outbreak.