TSUNAMI THREATENS JATIZSO
A weather warning has been issued today all over Jatizso in regards for upcoming events.
A tsunami, a weather conflict involving the ocean level rising momentarily all over the coastline which is known for its destructive capabilities, had been predicted by the Seer of Relekka to strike tomorrow.
The tsunami will strike the north-eastern shores, possibly flooding the entire Jatizso island if proper evacuation isn’t taken.
Of course, we know that the King won’t listen and he’ll instead buy a bunch of troops to hold a bunch of metal shields up at it to stop it in its tracks with money he gets from taxing everyone’s toenails.
It is suggested that everyone living on Jatizso just grab whatever they can and sail to mainland or even just move to Neitiznot, which will not be effected in any way by the tsunami.
The food is good and there are hardly any taxes. In fact, you can just build your house yourself and not get taxed at all.
The SWC have dispatched a moving crew (composed of Gia and a very big cart) to assist with the evacuation that “should” be taking place any minute now.
Our moving crew will also be used to assist in the essential locomotion of the King himself from his throne room directly north to the seemingly harmless snowy caves there.
We figure that there is nothing living in those unnecessarily large caves that can pose a threat to the king, especially none that wield big stone clubs, hold large wooden spiky shields, and throw fifty-pound rocks.
Yes, the caves are believed to be totally safe and not composing an entire tribe of angry human-eating trolls that have been starving for a few days and will go all out against anything that has just a bit of meat on it.
Civilians are asked not to accompany the king because he has bad breath.
So if you’re a civilian of Jatizso, be on the lookout for a white dragon and a big cart and help him secure the king safely using long ropes to prevent him from accidently falling off.
Also seek shelter and refuge at Neitiznot for the time being.
That is all.
Seriously, that is all.
OK! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! CITIZENS OF JATIZSO, YOUR KING SUCKS WORSE THEN ZAMORAK’S DANCE STEPS ON PROM NIGHT AND GIA IS GOING TO THROW HIM TO THE TROLLS! LONG LIVE SARADOMIN!
KING BLACK DRAGON GOES ON DIET
A surprise guest turned up at the SWC this morning
Manya had to duck and run after answering the door when the King Black Dragon himself rushed him and practically dashed inside out of fear.
He then sought Alex 43 and inquired him about the quality of food we had stored here, to which he honestly and truthfully replied excellent.
Relieved to hear it, the King Black Dragon settled in.
Of course, being ever curious to the nature of his visit, I imploded the King Black Dragon with questions about his reasons as to why he was here in the first place.
“There has been a massive outbreak.” said the King Black Dragon, “A number of dragons have been getting serious cases of … the WORMS!”
At first, we all thought that his subjects were getting addicted to gardening, but he explained it without much request.
“We don’t know if it’s a disease or what.” he said, “But it feels like you have a bunch of worms wriggling in your stomach. Once contaminated, we get much more hungrier, we have temper tantrums … well, worse ones, and it always makes you feel uncomfortable. You know how it is, whitey.”
He was referring to Gia as “whitey”, and Gia responded with a confused glance.
“Come on. You’ve GOT to know what they are.”
Gia honestly admitted that he had no idea what the King Black Dragon was talking about, as the white dragons never had to worry about such a strange disease.
The King Black Dragon, smarter then it looks, quickly put two and two together and immediately started imploding Gia with questions about how he always is so healthy and why the White Dragons never got this disease.
Gia’s response was quick: he was a vegetarian.
Indeed, performing some careful research in the King Black Dragon’s feeding habits (to Dex’s displeasure), we determined that the reason being for this sort of disease involves eating unkempt and seemingly inedible types of meat as well as malnutrition.
So, taking an interest in this sort of feeding technique, the King Black Dragon had decided to dedicate himself to following Gia’s example, at least until the outbreak recedes.
Unfortunately for him, vegetarianism wasn’t as he thought it would be.
VARROCK CITIZENS RANDOMLY EXPLODE
It’s been a shocking week for Varrock citizens as multiple peoples of all origins, occupations, and royalties began uncontrollably and unpredictably exploding all over Varrock.
Indeed, this is one of the strangest events to ever occur in Varrock not counting the time that the Chaos Elemental fell in love with the Kalphite queen and went on a date to the museum. Nothing surpasses that.
Once again, since everyone else was probably just too darn lazy, we sent Dex to go figure out just what was going on and whether or not it’s a strange new disease or something that should be contained.
Dex, more then happy enough to watch people explode all over the place, gleefully went to investigate.
After several witness reports, including people who had close relations to the exploding victims, fingers were pointed to the Blue Moon Inn – the place that most of these people went to before they exploded.
Dex went there and asked the bartender what was new, thinking that the explosions were based on something that the people were drinking.
Indeed, the Blue Moon Inn had gotten their hands on something new and ancient: a big jug of an old wine recently extracted from the Digsite.
After several chemical tests on the wine at the Digsite, it was presumed safe, poured into barrels, and sent over to the bar for some mass profit.
Dex only had to make a glance to tell that the barrels they sent the wine in were originally used for carting nitro-glycerin – an explosive liquid used to blast away rock.
No doubt that they accidently didn’t realize that the nitro, being the same color as the wine, was still being stored in the barrels at the time in small amounts and instead of wine, they sent a mixed variation of wine and nitro.
Dex returned to give the report after having the bartender and everyone in the bar have a bit of this expensive wine on him – he was laughing hard when he left the bar.
The wine has been confiscated from the Blue Moon Inn and put to good use at the Zamorak Wine chapel north of Falador.
As for the bartender, he felt it was good while it lasted, and the Blue Moon Inn got one heck of a profit from the wine they had sold.
We, of course, didn’t mention to him that after reporting him by Manya’s Mayhem, he was going to get sued like King Roald on Casual Cannonball Sundays.
The Earth had played host to a visitor from the divine beyond.
Several witnesses from the western end of Runescape noticed a large silvery disk floating above the wasteland mountains towards the Khazard battlefield, where the gnomes and Khazard troops were still duking it out between themselves.
The disk, as witnesses say, had sprouted legs underneath it and landed smack-dab in the middle of the battlefield, immediately halting the fight between the gnomes and humans.
It then opened up to reveal what appeared to be a child of the chaos elemental, showing that the disk was its craft and it was the captain.
Then, after a series of events, it lifted off again and zoomed out of sight into the sky.
No one had seen any of it since then.
Gia was lucky enough to be nearby at the time, and was able to give us a witness report on what had happened.
“It was like this big frisbee with four spinning wings. It just floated around in circles in the sky until settling down into the battlefield. Curious to the matter, I ran over, my sword ready in case of aggression from either the disk or the humans.
Everyone gathered around, staying apart from each other, so it looked like two half-circles with a large circle in between. The Khazard troops in their gray armor and the gnome troops in their red battle uniforms. It was quite spectacular. Here, this is a drawing I made of what it looked like.
Anyways, a hatch underneath the ship opened up and some strange creature of which we had never seen before. It looked like a sphere with four eyes with a bunch of tendrils behind it and it walked on three tentacle-like legs.
It looked between both races with its eyes, two of them each facing one race, and bowed to them. At the moment, I figured it was acknowledging both races as the most intelligent ones on the planet, as they all gathered around curious tot he matter. With curiosity breeds intelligence, of course.
It shouted out holding what looked like a stringless crossbow in an aggravated voice. I assumed it wanted to declare war or fight or something bad was happening.
That’s when all heck broke loose. The Khazard troops and the gnome both thought that this was some sort of secret weapon of each others and continued to war against each other, leaving me and the alien to just stand there, confused and completely ignored.
I went over to introduce myself and it took me as the intelligent species of the Earth and bowed to me. Then it shouted what I think was the same thing.
I couldn’t hear it amidst all the shouting and yelled ‘What?’. It made the motion again. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, ‘I can’t understand or hear you.’ It tried a third time, screaming at the top of its lungs. I heard it clearly, but still didn’t understand it. Apparently, it didn’t know our language and neither did we know its.
The fighting around us was loud and, to it, irritating. It continuously shouted at them angrily, as though trying to get them to shut up, but nobody listened. I joined in shouting for silence, but no one listened even when i called for silence in the English language.
Finally, it threw up its tentacles in hopelessness, gave up on issuing war against us, went back to the disk, jumped in, and flew out of sight. Seeing as there was nothing left for me to do there, I just left. That’s the last I saw of it.”
Gia believes that we probably won’t see them again for a long time.
It seems that it was annoyed that there was so much battling going on between us that there was no use in trying to start an interplanetary war when we were just as capable of killing ourselves as they were, so it decided to just leave us to our manslaughter.
The war in the Khazard battlefield still rages pointlessly without any sign of stopping.
So keep your eyes to the sky, everyone, and report any strange activity seen in the night sky to a member of the SWC.
GREATER DEMONS BORED
The greater demons caged in the Gu’tanoth ogre shaman caves are getting restless- actually, no they’re not.
They’re bored; bored beyond what Zamorak programmed them to be.
After several hours of playing with their fingers and the spools of thread they have with them for some reason, they declared it: they are BORED.
Since Pest Control, the Fight Caves, and Castle Wars, all the adventurers are seeing it more fit to beat the tar out of themselves rather the the demons, leaving them nothing to do but sit around and tell stories to each other that they already heard 17 times.
“I don’t get why the ogres even keep us here.” said Tol-Charht, one of the four demons, “Why the heck would anyone even build a cage without a door when there aren’t any openings anywhere? We’re starving and we’re bored back here! All we ever get to eat are arrow shafts and water blasts. Even the halberd wielders stopped coming!”
It has been several weeks since a ranger saw fit to shoot fish in a barrel- or rather demons in a doorless cage.
It is rather ironic to know that these rangers are what was keeping these demons alive all this time, with their Sandwich Lady and Drunk Dwarf random events accidently popping up inside the cage as well as the wood of their arrows being a source of nutrients and minerals.
They fear starvation will consume them before rage does, and have been trying to break open the cage, but seeing as Zamorak didn’t program the cage to break, they can’t even scratch it.
So adventurers out there, do the demons a favor and shoot them for both your sakes.