Yeah, it’s me again. What are you gonna do? Apparently we came up short this month and they had to get another article in because we lost some time due to the incident with the ice giant and the large barrel of gnome firelighter. So here comes me to save the day with another well-thought of and completely true guide to whatever I feel everyone needs to know about.
Today, I’m talking about movies. Yes, I know what they are. Everyone makes them. I’m not saying they’re any good or anything, I’m just saying that the internet … yes, I know about THAT too … is probably composed of 92.7% bad movies. That’s 20 trilobites of utterly WASTED space that could’ve been used for works of art, several years of slaving away at story-writing, and perhaps even the occasional political cartoon. But NOOOO. It HAS to be minute-long videos done and made in less then 30 seconds and pasted just to help others to get ‘blam points’ on Newgrounds. I guess all ‘blam points’ do is show everyone how much you know ‘suck’.
Anyways, I’m here to do you all a favor and tell you all just how to make a good video in a way that will seem like it is God who is giving you advice. Your prayers have all been answered, mortal beings!
Ok. Just like writing a story, it’s essential for a movie to have an annoyingly catchy title that you’ll never forget unless you have a gym teacher bash your head in with a 80 pound barbell. Of course, there’s a chance they’ll die from it, so they’re running risks here. If there’s not the risk-taking type, then you’ll have them.
Again, make the title cheesy. Have the words rhyme (Phone Alone), be extremely short (The Bar), or be so basic that no one would really suspect the movie is all about something so simple. Base it off of something that appears for 5 minutes in the movie and plays almost no vital role to the entire movie. That way, you can have whatever you want going on despite what the title advertises. It’s usually false, anyways, so there’s no need to be straightforward with it.
In the intro of the movie, you want to devote the entire introduction to introducing the characters. If not, the makers of the movie. This is probably the only chance you’ll get to make yourselves public, because chances are the viewer will without reason reconsider his / her life and close the movie just as it begins. The least you can do is embed your characters into their minds.
If you ever want your movie public, your characters must be able to become part of one’s life. Either make them colorful and happy-looking, like a doll specially made for teaching a 3-year old colors, or really dark, gloomy, and otherwise wicked cool,
Your happy characters must have a happy, high-pitched voice that uses words no bigger then 5 letters. No slang, no shortcuts, no outside references to anything irrelevant to the plot that’s laid down before them. Either they talk properly or they make lots of weird alien sounds with or without subtitles. Have them talk about what exactly is going on, even if the viewer can see it easily. Lastly, have the characters express every single thing they’re feeling. If they’re happy, say that they are happy, and maybe throw in a cheesy and practically impossible simile to describe just how happy they are (I’m as happy as the sun on a clear day).
Now, with your cool guys, you want to do just the opposite. Deep, emotionless voices that you hardly hear because the characters either rarely talk (unless to other people, using sentences around 3 words long) or don’t talk at all. They must also be perfect at everything except the final fight, in which they totally suck and hardly put any effort into anything except recovering, to which they pull out newfound strength and then perform at 500% capability even though they got the ever-loving tar beaten out of them.
Of course, there are always sidekicks. The happy-guy sidekick is at the same level as the happy hero, but the perfect silent guy always has a sidekick that they never listen to that they always wind up having to risk their own lives to save. Either way, they’re either really dumb and clumsy OR better then the hero in every way, but at the same time the hero looks more superior.
The villains must match the characters. Wimpy sidekicks or sidekicks smarter and cooler then them. Really happy and colorful and accepts defeat easily or really mysterious and tough and must be killed if you’re ever going to end the movie or series.
Everyone else – damsels, bystanders, people who die without benefit to anyone … those kinds of people. They’re either colorful or they’re not. Emotionless, wandering, self-centered individuals. Makes it almost worth it to kill them off, because you know that there’s an endless supply of them.
Lastly, if you have a narrator in the movie (god-forbid), you don’t see his face. You only hear his voice. Make him old and depressed, no matter what kind of movie it is.
Start a movie by killing a bunch of people by special effects, then have the hero kill a bunch of “other” people and “save the day” while creating 10 million dollars worth of damage while doing so. This should happen in city scenes or obscure locations like haunted country-houses and whatnot. In fact, you don’t even have to kill them. Just send them flying by explosion, catapult, whatever. As far as humanity knows, they like watching people fly all over the screen.
Now, action movies follow the “title portrays almost nothing important in the movie” rule. Depending on the time frame you start it, there will always be cities somewhere. Cities, run-down apartments (giving the heroes appearance of true vulnerability), coffee shops that look like they get daily government grants but are never actually used (unrequired expensive things here and there), and ball rooms. Ah, ball rooms. If you have a ball room in a movie, then you MUST have someone die in it or something explode. Or even someone dropping a glass breaking the awkward silence and making everyone stare. That’s a free attention grabber.
Horror movies usually portray either the location of horror, the weapon, or the killer. Never anything to do directly with the hero. Also, there is usually only one location during the entire 3/4 past the intro of the movie. And it usually lasts either a single night or a long period of time, but with frequent time lapses. Horror movies are best when you devote entire portions of the movie to introducing a bunch of characters, then killing them all off save for the hero and perhaps his love-life, who experiences a death-defying experience but is saved “somehow” at the last minute and falls in love with the hero. In fact, you can kill the hero off too and end the movie with a crying girl at the end trapped in the abyss; that works too.
Suspense movies are action and horror combined. A few locations, perhaps in a single city, with a killer on the loose and a bunch of “mysterious” deaths here and there. You might as well build up those characters, turn them into life-long friends, then kill them off, leaving the hero alone perhaps through the entire movie.
Romance movies … yeah, don’t go there. There’s too many of them as it is. Plus, it’s always in action movies. Settle for action instead.
Cartoon movies and animations … usually they’re action or suspense. Follow those rules, except make it as ridiculous as the theme would allow.
Usually the middle of the movie is when people dose off. Have your parents watch your movie, and use a stopwatch to determine when they begin to get drowsy. Then edit your movie and add in a scene with a random explosion, police sirens, fire alarms, whatever you have that is guaranteed to blow out your speakers at 1 volume. That’ll wake them up, and they’ll want to watch the whole thing in fear of getting waken up against their will again. For good measure, do it 2 or 3 more times.
In horror movies, there are NEVER any explosions. It must always be a super-fast violin strung followed by a scream and a number of scary images of different characters in the movie all covered in blood and guts. May as well remove their eyes or leave them dangling out of their sockets somehow. That helps the imagery. DO this a number of times throughout the movie, even when there’s nothing scary going on. Composing the entire movie of it, however, will blow their TVs up (Yes, I know about THOSE too) and they’ll hate you for the rest of your life.
Suspense movies … mess around with everyone’s minds all through the movie. Kill people that don’t seem like the kind anyone would kill for any reason. Make the killer someone friendly and cheerful that everyone likes. Blow up filing cabinets that contain no information. That kind of thing.
Remember, though. In all movies, there must be more then 3 exciting points. One to show off the hero, one to tax him a bit and develop the real villain behind everything, and a final showdown that involves the villain dying or both hero and villain. Either way, the villain dies. Otherwise, the movie officially sucks.
If you’re gonna end a movie, it’s gotta be either happy or happily sad. In happy, use romance. The hero beat the villain inside out and back again and gets the girl, whom they kiss and make love presumably during the credits.
In happily sad, the hero dies slowly and with last words, resisting the fact that his entire upper-body is missing, and leaves his lover to weep with a final kiss and live the rest of her life as a burger flipper at Dairy Queen always thinking back to the time where her lover was alive (an hour and a half).
You don’t need to make the credits anything fancy. No one ever reads them anyways, so just make them short and sour. No need to even be organized. Just throw in everyone’s name and be done with it.
There will always be those annoying pricks that say they hate your movie because “this and this sucks”. Well, guess what? They’re loners with nothing better to do then hate everyone’s hard work, jealous that they can’t make anything nearly as good as what you made. Don’t listen to them, and instead turn all your friends against him to pester him into a mass of human enzymes and shame.
If you have someone that says they like it, but you can fix one or two things, THOSE are the people you should listen to. Reason being: they like your work and want you to do better, so they’re giving you advice.
So there you go. That’s how you make proper movies … or at least ones that aren’t made to discover just how many name-calling swear words there are out there. I’m wiser then you, making me your God. As your God, obey me and follow me advice and help cleanse the filthy internet (I know about THAT too, yes) of all its bad movies. OBEY! OBEY OR FEEL MY WRATH!
Tune in next month to see if I ever write another article for the Informer again.