Manya’s Mayhem – Dare to be Right

Hello, one and all. I’m Manya of the SWC, writer and editor of the Informer article “Manya’s Mayhem.” Following concerns and queries that occurred in Alex 43’s mailbox as a result of last month’s article, I would just like to set all my reader’s consciences at ease. Dharok was NOT carried away by Gia like a beaten-up rag-doll. It was really a stunt double played by Torag. Dharok instead was carried like a beat-up rag-doll by Dex.

Sorry for any inconvenience. Onto the good stuff!

– Manya

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NOTHING HAPPENS IN ARDOUGNE
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Citizens are sleeping normally tonight after absolutely nothing happened in Ardougne yesterday.

After a thief did not steal from the baker, we went on baking cakes as usual and selling them for the normal price.

As a result of the non-changing prices, pandemonium did not break out all over Ardougne.

Riots did not ensue, and there were no signs of a struggle for freedom and human rights anywhere.

The King of Ardougne did not have to enter the marketplace by himself to fully explain the reason for today’s not-happenings and quell the rioting once and for all.

Citizens that weren’t in the riot did not disperse from the crowd that did not form after the King did not give his speech and was not escorted back to his castle by his paladins who were not there.

The damage that the riot did not cause estimated to a total of nearly zero coins.

The monarchy did not suffer a financial crisis as a result of this ordinary occurance, and life continues on as normal in Ardougne.

In other news, Falador is in no danger of a gigantic dragon that does not threaten the townspeople.

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BOB BITES HIS TONGUE
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Bob, the Jagex cat, became the center of attention last Monday.

While apparently speaking to someone wearing a strange cat-shaped amulet, Bob accidentally bit his own tongue, causing 1 point of damage to himself.

Seeing as he was a non-attackable NPC who are all usually issued a single hitpoint to save on memory space, Bob died and spawned back in Lumbridge.

He dropped full Guthan, an ancient staff, 3000 blood runes, 6000 death runes, 12 000 water runes, a full set of Karil, 10 shark, full dragon including a kite shield (Dex tele-grabbed it), and full Ahrims save for the staff.

Whatever his three best items were, we are yet to investigate.

Questions arose from this strange event. Just what on Runescape was Bob doing with all that stuff? Why did he have so many Ice Barrage spells at the ready? How does a cat wear all that armor? … scratch that, how does a cat CARRY all that armor?

Dex interviewed Bob, who was found sucking his thumb in the Saradomin church in Lumbridge.

“I hate only having one hitpoint. You can die very easily to the simplest and weakest things. Carts, thrown boots, imps, Postie Pete, bartenders, Zamora- uh, I mean Camo. Camo armor. That stuff chafes like mad. Uh, hey, is that my shield?”

Dex left and got back to us rather quickly to give his report.

Since nobody really wants to, we’re not setting up a restoration fund to help Bob get back his stuff and re-accommodate for his lost possessions that, he told us, took him 3 whole minutes to get.

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NEWLY DISCOVERED PARADISE WRECKS HAVOC
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The crewmates on the S.S. Esses are mourning the loss of a fantastic new discovery that held the potential to be the exploding point in Runescape serenity.

While trading between Miscellania and Lunar Isle, the ship was caught in a storm involving clouds, rain, 3 really big dagonnoth and some very stupid navigators.

Once the storm cleared, they were completely lost in the middle of the sea without a compass to go by.

However, they were not completely alone out at sea, for eventually an island was discovered by the lookout that miraculously was not blown out of the crow’s nest.

They immediately set sail towards this island, and when they were in viewing range they were appalled at the sight in which they could only describe as “bliss in a physical form”.

Apparently, this island was the home of many varieties of small furry animals, colorful flowers, and tall flawless trees. The sun shone very bright on it reflecting all the water droplets that collected due to the storm. It was a true paradise.

Eager to explore more, they anchored the boat nearby and all piled in a small rowboat, stacking themselves nearly 20 feet high just to fit, and rowed over to the island.

However, when they first stepped on the glistening white sand, all heck broke loose.

The island, without reason or physical possibility, suddenly transformed into a large active volcano and blasted the crew and ship a few miles into the air and in different directions.

One of the crewmates, named Chuck Yerlunch, landed on Dex here at the SWC, and was able to tell us this story before Dex recovered and sent him to the divine beyond in his anger.

In other news, Alex 43 tells me that the Gods are laughing about something, but hasn’t yet given me the details.

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ZOGRES GET INTRODUCED TO VODKA
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A prankster born yesterday is regretting the day he became a prankster yesterday.

After stowing away with a crate of vodka into the ogre’s old jiggig location, which had been infested with Zogres for the past few years, he attempted to force-feed the vodka to the Zogres, hoping that they would like it and thereby become more explosive when a ranger shot them with a brutal arrow because they are unable to fully digest it.

Unfortunately, the vodka had some very interesting side effects with the zogres, and they took place almost immediately after this successful introduction.

Instead of brains, they now crave beer and vodka and shake adventurers upside-down to see if they had any alcohol products on their person rather then directly hitting them in the head with random blunt objects in attempt to eat their brains.

“Voooooodkaaaaa! Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrr!” said a Skogre after being interviewed by Dex.

In order to cope with the new diseases they give out, Uglug Nar had the relicym balms mixed in with hangover cures which consisted of chocolate milk and snape grass.

The ogres are actually reacting to this strange coincidence in a positive manner.

“Dem zombers be drunk’n wif dem dizzy glug-glugs dat dem small tings brings wif dem an now dey no’ dangering ny’more. Now ogres giv dem dizzying glug-glugs and dey go all funny-like an be all armless” Dex quoted Uglug Nar. He asked for something a little more clear, but after a failed response, gave this to us and went upstairs to sleep.

As time passed, they regained their addiction for brains with a few exceptions still out there, and death returned to normal for them.

So for future reference, if you see a Zogre that looks more inflated, bloated, and unstable as usual, do NOT shoot them, whatever you do.

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CHAOS ELEMENTAL GETS LOST IN WORLD 2 FALADOR
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Falador marketplace was in for a bit of a shock yesterday after one of the most unexpected creatures made an unexplainable appearance.

The chaos elemental, world renowned for being one of the most favorite pen-pals of all time, appeared in the Falador gardens in a blast of purple light and started exploring the crowds.

Almost immediately the crowds panicked, dropping valuable trade items in the process before they were able to complete the transactions in a blind panic to get away from the chaos elemental.

After twelve million coins worth of damage was caused and the entire garden was cleared, the SWC were able to get in and investigate the cause of the problem.

We found out, ironically, that the chaos elemental was unable to actually hurt or do damage to anyone due to the fact that it left the dark essence we know of as the wilderness.

Harmless and totally lost, we got a bit of an interview with it to show Falador that it was OK.

“Cheery cheesecakes are the favorite drink. Do rolling stones consume moss? Catch the ball, Jeff, the goblins are coming! How many light bulbs does it take to screw up a human? The golem was a warrior way yay yay. Demons and drunks think alike, don’t they? Who’s to say candles aren’t your life? Let’s dance now! One, two, three … don’t you mind, I forgot my spoon. Someone get me my mint!”

Dex just shoved the notepad into my face and walked away, so we decided to stop it there.

We escorted and helped lead it back to the wilderness, to which it immediately attacked us and we fled. Some things never change, do they?