Manya’s Meyhem – Death by HAM!

posted by on 31st December 2006, at 7:05pm

Ham Sign 1

If you’re not a human, then you would have probably known about the massive attacking that happened throughout the week all across Runescape.

It has been reported that the HAM fanatics have finally grouped together and launched a massive assault in an attempt to make monsters become more extinct then they should be.

However, even though the cult consists of thousands of members, there was hardly a struggle for the creatures of Runescape.

HAM, even though they fought with vigilance, was unable to put even one type of species in danger of total extinction.

“They’re called ‘HAM’ for a good reason.” said ice giant Chillalot, “They’re chicken, they’re ‘fowl’, and they have bologna for brains.”

The SWC (Saradomin Warriors Chapel) went into an investigation of why the HAM experienced such an upset by interviewing the potential victims and investigating the HAM hideout itself.

The results of these searches were not very surprising.

Dex quotes: “The HAM members were poorly equipped in terms of weapons and armor. Their hideout was a mess of scattered possessions and people who weren’t even in the clan. Instead, they were yanking things out of other people’s pockets and throwing them around. Someone even tried to pickpocket me once, but upon realizing that I have no pockets, I put him through a world of pain.”

Out of all the targets, it appears that the goblin house near Lumbridge Castle was hit the hardest. We talked to one of the victims about the assault.

“Uh … Grug there got hit in da .. uh … arm … and it … scratched … and … uh, no. My fault. That last week. Uh … I tink Torg there … uh … yeah, he touched by … one of dem purple humans. I got … poked by a … very short knife … or something pointy. Yeah, it hurt … but then it stopped hurting … and I chopped someone’s head off. Then we had beer. You all green armor? Goblin green too. … uh … what we talking about again?”

—At this moment, we were unsure of whether or not to write an article about this, so in order to help spice it up, we are going to add the schedule and journal entries I stole from them. I just hope that Dex reminds me to remove this part before we publish it.—

The HAM fanatics, though they look stupid and weak (and indeed are), were able to come up with a number of smart and effortless plans to rid Runescape of a number of its toughest creatures. Since they were unable to rely on strength in numbers, they were forced to consider the logical approach to things and went way outside the box in their ideas. These are just a few of them:


Their first targets were the Black Dragons of Taverly Dungeon. What they decided that they were going to do was take a large load of rat poison there, kill both dragons, then dump all the poison all around the cavern – in their food, in the lava, on the walls, on the ladder, etc. They figured that this way, the dragons would suffer so much that they would decide not to spawn there anymore. Once word breaks out, more people would want to join HAM due to their superiority.

So they gathered nearly every single member, gave each of them 2 bottles of rat poison, and stormed down to the Black Dragons. They set up a few sacrifices to distract the other creatures and allow their team to get though. So far, everything was going to plan. Once they entered the dragons den, they managed to subdue the dragons by appearance alone. While they were laughing their guts out, each HAM member emptied their poison all over the cavern. Mission accomplished, they thought.

However, they overlooked one aspect. While the rat poison they dumped had a main ingredient of arsenic, there was also a significant amount of kerosene in the concoction as well to give it its luster and help clog the arteries. All it took was one spark from the smaller black dragon’s nose and the entire cavern exploded in a fiery inferno. The dragons, unaffected by the fire, laughed even harder at the appearance of the HAM members, and as a result, the fire burned away all the poisoning and the dragons remain happy and content in their newly decorated cavern.


Their next targets were the lesser demons of Karamja volcano. After analyzing the situation for several weeks, they figured out that the demons must spawn from the intense lava in the volcano. If all their members (those that remained) built a large water pump that pumped ocean water into the volcano and cooled off all the lava until it was covered in a layer of rock, the demons wouldn’t last very long without their essential heat source.

Plans were devised, blueprints were followed, and after 200,000 gold coins of work, the pump was ready to be shipped to Karamja. However, to save on shipping expenses, members each took a piece of it to Karamja on themselves.

“I thought they were nuts!” said the Customs Officer, “But it wasn’t rum, so it was fine by us.”

On the land right next to the volcano, they set up the pump and inserted one end into the ocean while the other end dangled inches above the lava. Each member then grabbed the large pump lever and pulled with all their might. Soon, the water flowed up the mountain and dumped into the large pool of lava, cooling it off.

This operation would have been successful, too, if it hadn’t been for one little thing: An imp named Chim who thought that pulling the Blow / Suck lever on the pump control panel would be fun (Strangely enough, that little extra cost them an additional 50 000 coins). The HAM members started getting confusedwhen the water stopped flowing through the large tubes and started returning to the ocean. Things got even more confusing when the hose started heating up and the ocean behind them started evaporating.

By the time the mishap was discovered, the pump had melted and hundreds received severe burns all over their bodies.


Their third targets were the ice giants. The plan was simple and straightforward – do the same thing as they did with the dragons.

Unfortunately, their invasion was at the exact same time of their Ice Creature Tea Party, where all the warriors, giants, and wyverns got together and drank Iced Tea. Obviously, the sight of dozens of purple-robed humans holding torches and rat poison was enough to spark some interest in the hundreds of cold-tempered icemen. After that, their party really got going as the HAM group scrambled for the exit with angry wyverns at their heels.


The final attack worth mentioning was the one against the dagonnoths. They spent a few weeks planning out the destruction of Waterbirth Island. The idea was to fill a ship full of explosive potions and rat poison, and steer it on a crash course against the island cave. The force of the explosion would collapse the cave entrance, and with the force upon the water and the cavern roof, it would create a domino effect, collapsing the entire dagonnoth cavern. They would all be buried alive.

The budget was nearly 4 million coins, but with part-time jobs and beer rations, they were able to save up enough to pull it off. They bought the battleship “Lucky Lord” and stocked it nearly to the brim with every type of flammable and explosive materials they could scavenge.

With the boat full and its sails open, it sailed on a direct crash-course to Waterbirth. Their plan will have been more successful then any other.

At least, it would’ve been, if it wasn’t interrupted by one aspect: us.

By a reliable source, the SWC learned of the HAM’s plan and got to thinking about it. If this cavern was destroyed, the dagonnoth kings, who had good relations with Gia, would have to find another home. The closest, and easily conquerable, would be Miscellania, and with no naval defenses, the communities (we believe “Kingdoms” is a little over-exaggerated) would be desecrated. Even if all the dagonnoth died, there would end a long-fought Freminnik tradition, and there was a chance that they would wage war against Asgarnia in protest. To prevent this, we had to act, but without them knowing.

So what we did was warn the dagonnoth kings ahead of time and inform them of our plan. They swam, with a squadron, towards the explosive ship and started pushing it into the middle of the ocean away from any landmass. After that, Alex 43, while riding Gia, shot a flaming arrow into the side of the ship. The getaway went along smoothly.

One thing we are yet to solve is why on Earth every last HAM member remaining was actually on and crewing the ship at the time. Perhaps they were going to abandon ship, or perhaps they were going to make their mark in style. Either way, the explosion that engulfed the ship sent them all flying through the air in charred heaps. The tidal wave that followed was described by Alex 43 as “fun”.


HAM Sign 2

After their latest and greatest failure against the Chaos Elemental (Sorry, our articles are rated “E” for “Everyone”), the HAM fanatics have quietly backed down into their hideout once again to regroup and plan their next move that involves appeasing Saradomin, and will perhaps continue to plan for the next year or so. Trust me, they aren’t doing him a favor.

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