‘A new quest? Easy stuff,’ I thought as I strode confidently up to a large house. A few days earlier, as I was, erm, ‘refreshing’ myself at the Burthorpe Bar, I heard several young adventurers talking about a maiden in distress; a beautiful lady in need of my assistance. Something about a comfortable bed…new invention…I don’t know. Something along those lines. And so that is how I came to stand in front of a rather intimidating building called Draynor Manor. I approached the main entrance…Did that tree just wink at me? Psh, no, of course not. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a putrid, rotting carcass of something that seemed to resemble a rat. I shivered.

“Well, let’s get this over with,” I muttered quite bravely. I raised my hand and brought it down firmly on the door. Unfortunately, the door was about as strong my confidence. My fist went right through it, creating a gaping hole in the entrance. Knowing me, of course, that wasn’t the worst of it. This change in momentum threw me off balance, and I tumbled in after my fist. A horrible crash resounded in the small entrance foyer of the manor as the entire front door tumbled to the ground. A lady ran into the room in shock. Her appearance was, at a glance, quite unruly. She was not a particularly attractive woman; her hair was snow white, jutting out at odd angles as if she had come in contact with a massive amount of static electricity. On top of that, she wore a rather uncomplimentary pair of thick-rimmed glasses, which magnified her eyes to such a size that I could scarcely retain a chuckle. However, when I looked deeper, into those deep, extremely large eyes, I could see something else. I could see…Oh. Oh dear. I could see…insanity. This was quite obvious as she began to rant and rave at me, whilst hurling various chicken appendages and dead branches at me. A beak, of which seemed to be bereft of its body, hit me directly in the middle of the forehead. This was all too much for a poor adventurer like myself. And so, letting out a manly little whimper, I slipped into the sweet embrace of unconsciousness.

I awoke after a long, dreamless sleep; though I was none too happy about it. My back ached, my forehead slightly bled from that lethal beak, and I was as disoriented as a fly in rice pudding. Er…Or something like that. Anyway, I was miserable. And that big boot jabbing into my side certainly helping. Suddenly, the boot connected with a particularly painful bruise I had accumulated earlier. Emitting a startled shout of agony, I scampered away and managed, after a bit of trouble, to get to my feet. Dusting my rogue suit off and smoothing my pirate patch as best as I could, I made what I hoped to be a regal stance. For a time I simply stood there, as the lady stared at me with a rather chilling glare. Time drawled on, until finally, she seemed to come to a decision.

“I suppose you’ll have to do,” She harrumphed. “Now look here. I didn’t ask for no yellow-bellied, wanna-be adventurer, but I got one. So you’re gonna be just as good as any old Zezima, you got that?”

I shuffled my feet nervously, muttering a timid “Yeah…”

“All right, then,” she grunted, handing you a small slip of parchment. “This is what I need. Off you go, then!” I looked at the paper and read what it contained. Undead chickens from the ravaged farm near Port Phasmatys? Branches from those stupid trees out in the front of Draynor Manor? A bar magnet…what the heck is that?! Unfortunately, I had no choice but to find these items and give them to the crazed lady who employed me. And so, I began.

Countless hours passed as I trekked through the marshes of Morytania, ground bones and collected goop inside the temple near Phasmatys, crept through the forest of Draynor, hammered around Rimmington, and even struck up a conversation with a slayer master or two. 3 pairs of muddy boots from the marshes, 8 bruises from undead pecking, 2 sore fingers from a poorly aimed hammer, two black eyes from an angry tree, and one exhausted adventurer later, I had all the items I needed. I traveled back to the musty room in Draynor Manor, for the last time. I knelt on one knee, and ceremoniously presented the undead chickens, the magical twigs, and the magnet to the woman.

“It’s about time,” she screeched, snatching the items from my hands. “Do you realize how many corpses I could have reanimated while you were gone? Sheesh! Now, leave me alone while I make you your reward.” Feeling slightly unappreciated, I slunk out of the room and waited outside. I twiddled my thumbs for a few hours while sounds of hammering, nailing, screwing, axing, hitting, slapping, growling, squawking, and other assorted noises emanated from the room. Finally, the noises stopped, and the woman stepped out of the door and beckoned to me. “Come, come, come.” She motioned for me enter. “See the wonder I have created!”

I entered the room to see a…a thing, a thing different from anything I had ever seen. It resembled a backpack…keyword: resembled. It seemed to have of the objects I had collected attached in odd positions to the sides. On one side, a twig, taken from those sinister trees. The other side held what looked like one of the undead chickens. A pocket in the back contained the bar magnet. I stared for a bit, confused. “That’s…it?” I questioned.

“What do you mean, ‘That’s it?’” she ranted. “This is a technological advancement of the highest order! This is incredible! This is genius! This is science! This is…” Her voice faded out as I fled the room timidly, with the device clutched against my chest. A few days later, I figured out that it conveniently collected arrows for all my ranging needs. How happy I was. And so it came to be that I appeased a crazed woman, and I came to own my very own…thing.